The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dirty cow !!

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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

    Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?

    Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

    Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

    Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

    Surprised, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?!!"

    Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."

    Tiger: "But.... you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

    Stevie: "Well, I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

    "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

    "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

    Tiger: "What's your handicap?"

    Stevie: "Well, actually I'm a scratch golfer."

    Woods: incredulous says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

    Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money. And I never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

    Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that. OK I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

    Stevie: "You pick a night."
     
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Breaking News

    My local Lidl has just opened a second checkout
     
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

    After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

    However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

    The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

    As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

    To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

    His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

    With his eyes watering, he replied:

    "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."
     
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

    "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

    "Really? Great! Show me!"

    So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

    "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

    "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

    "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

    "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
     
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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
    She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
    He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door in disgust.
    The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    She slams the door again.
    Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
    The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."
    The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
    The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
    question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
    She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
    Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?"
    "Yes I do." says the lady.
    The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
     
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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    In Holland, sex and drugs are readily available on the high street, often from the same place. Imagine how disappointed Dutch visitors to the UK must be when they walk into their first branch of ScrewFix.
     
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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
    A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with
    bright green and purple spots.
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
    orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted
    Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it."
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
    The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis"
    The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!"
    The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option."
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
    The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
    The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?
    My doctor wants to cut off my penis!"
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid Australian docttah, always want opawate.
    Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
    "Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
    "Yes,"says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fawl off by itself.
     
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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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