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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Pope was having a shower, and although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
    “Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”
    “This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!”
    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2,000,000.
    The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”
    Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “Two million Pounds.”
    “TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper, “Wow! They must have seen you coming.
     
    #5901
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Top tip..... Always drive in your dressing gown and slippers...

    If you cause a car crash, you can pose as a witness from a nearby house...
     
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went for a job interview as a blacksmith.

    The boss said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

    I said "No but I once told a donkey to f*ck off !
     
    #5910
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Due to an unfortunate spacing error while booking our holiday, I am now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads.
     
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  14. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    That should be on, Didleys Tips & Hints thread!
     
    #5914
  15. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I've got an orange penis please help!" The doctor says "OK lets have a look.. oh my yes you do have an orange penis.. OK well whats been happening? What's new?" The man replies "Well, not much" The doctor continues "Well you have an orange penis for a reason lets get to the bottom of it... have you been working?" The man replies "No, I'm not working at the moment." The doctor starting to get slightly irritated by the mans lack of help in getting to the bottom of his problem "Come now you need to give me more than that, give me a break down of your day to day activities, whats new? what are you doing differently?" The man replies
    "Well nothing is new, I'm just doing the same thing as everyday, watching porn and eating cheesy puffs."
     
    #5915
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  18. Wooperts_duck

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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
    "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
    "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
    "No, no boyfriend either." "
    Do you have a partner then?"
    "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is “black"
    "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
    "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
    "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
    "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
    "Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
    At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank christ for that!"
    "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
    "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
     
    #5919
  20. mustyfrog

    mustyfrog Well-Known Member

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    A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
    "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.
    I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
    "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
     
    #5920
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