The Record can exclusively reveal the depths to which the Most Successful Club In The World ( sic ) has finally sunk. Ever since previous chairman , david murray , who always had the clubs best interests at heart ( sic ) sold rangers to billionaire ( sic ) craig whyte, this scottish institution has lurched from one crisis to another. Many observers, however, trace the perilous state of the club back to the free-spending days of murray and his quest for european glory. This, of course , is only part of the story. Undoubtedly murray is culpable in terms of not foreseeing the current situation - where other clubs,the banks and the taxman are refusing to accept the special edition moonbeam banknotes sir david was printing on his own private press - the murray mint - under the marble staircase at ibrox. Indeed, it remains a point of contention between murray and whyte that sir davids unpaid butchers bill for succulent lamb has only just come to light, having being previously squirreled away in ian durrants rectal passage. This hidden bill only came to whytes attention whilst he was attempting to verify a claim, from his aberdonian sources, that an untapped revenue stream - that of ian durrants arse being up for rent - was not being fully exploited by the club. A further concern for supporters of the most successful club in the world ( sic ) is the alleged disqualification of whyte from being a director of any company. The Record has discovered that whyte has used a loophole to overcome this however. According to documents lodged ( sic ) at Companies House , whyte has signed over ownership of rangers to his pet cat " Mrs Slocum ' , thereby maintaining his ability to claim he is not involved in the decision making process at ibrox. This practice, which allegedly has served whyte well in the past, recently proved problematic when Mrs Slocum sold rangers prized asset, striker nikita jelavic, to epl side everton for a little round furry ball with a bell inside it and a lifetimes supply of tuna. The ibrox clubs name has been further dragged through the mud in recent weeks by the unedifying spectacle of numerous " trialists " flying into scotland for a 45 minute kick about to the sound of bomber browns "party" tapes at murray park ; from which there is no possibility of these journeymen being offered a contract ( or even two contracts, as has been previously suggested ). Recordsport understands this is a further desperate money-making scheme by the men who now run rangers. The players or their agents are funding the flights, but, as part of the deal, have to agree to allocate their airmiles points to ibrox. However, far and away the biggest concerns for the ibrox faithful are the looming tax case and the future of ibrox stadium itself. Rangers have told HMRC that they "will not be held to ransom". This normally reliable ploy does not appear to be working, leading many within rangers inner-circle to speculate that Opus Dei have finally acheived a position of power within the normally pliant " establishment ". A belief strengthened by the recent changes in the laws governing succession for the monarchy and failure by the procurators fiscal office to prosecute celtic manager neil lennon for his assault on a hearts fan who was jogging pitchside at tynecastle - which is , of course, part of the queens highway and subject to all applicable laws governing her realm. With regard to the forthcoming sale of ibrox, whyte refuses to be drawn. However, fears among the orange masses ( sic ) have been heightened by the recently discovered, but as yet unclaimed, unmarked brown envolope containing a substantial number of preferential shares in Harry Ramsdens Seafood Superstore and Bingo Emporium found in the ibrox boardroom.
I feel a boycott of the Daily Record coming up , just like with the BBC , even though they were right all along, then the other one is it all Radio Clyde fault !!!
