written by Hull fan and Film Director Mark Herman.... PREDICTIONS 2009-10 JULY In response to their concern over the lack of activity in the summer transfer window, chairman Paul Duffen assures fans that, with the deadline a whole 48 hours away, "there's no real rush". "We do have feelers out," he tells Sky Sports News, "but obviously, discretion is the key." Phil Brown leans into frame and beams discreetly: "Aye, we're getting someone in that's gonna blow your socks off!" This is the manager's first television appearance since the pre-season hot weather training trip and it has many thousand Sky subscribers reaching for their remotes to adjust their colour balance. Brown does let slip two well-known foreign names that are high on his shopping list: Paco Rabanne and Nino Cerutti. There is, however, a flurry of transfer activity the next day. Having expressed in the media that (preferably Arab) money is much more important to him than football, Daniel Cousin is snapped up by Manchester City. And after being encouraged in training to "do what comes naturally'" Caleb Folan's contract is terminated when he twice stud-rakes Matt Duke's back. After narrowly defeating Phil Brown in a team-bonding karaoke competition, Richard Garcia is also promptly shipped out on a free to Melbourne Victory. With the forward line therefore decimated, City duly increase their efforts to secure the services of a mystery 41-year-old Italian left back. In the final hours of the window, though, negotiations break down over personal terms, the Italian's insistence on an attractive 5-bedroom villa with pool in the Goole area being described by Mr. Duffen as "an impossible demand". Fraizer Campbell, despite voicing a keen desire to return to the KC, is meanwhile deemed "way too pricey" at what some others feel is a bargain £1m, and remains trapped at White Hart Lane. Lionel Messi also reveals a hitherto well-hidden love of the Tigers, surprisingly saying that he would be willing to play for us for nothing, but is considered by management to be too high risk: "We've said all along, we're looking for players with Premier League experience." But with seconds to spare, the `socks-off' signing is announced: Manucho is ours for just £14.5m. "Skill, passion, a `die for the cause' mentality - these are essential ingredients" says chairman Paul Duffen, "I mean, Manucho or Messi? It's a no-brainer." City also sign a highly promising Hungarian Under-21 International midfielder, but he can't play until Season 10-11. To further boost City fans' hopes for the new season, Jimmy Bullard is reported as being only four weeks away from full fitness. A week ahead of schedule. Most bookmakers have City as strong favourites for relegation. Following Manucho's signing, Betfair pay out. AUGUST The Hull Daily Mail provide 20,000 squeaky foam tiger paws with which fans can create an "intimidating atmosphere" for the opening day visit of Premiership new boys Birmingham City. Amid a dreadful high-pitched screech, Birmingham go two up in 12 minutes. And it remains 2-0 until the final whistle when, after an unseemly incident behind the East Stand a Hull Daily Mail employee is rushed to hospital to have a quantity of tiger-striped sponge removed from his rectum. The following week, trailing at Anfield, Phil Brown resurrects his morale-boosting ploy of conducting his half-time team-talk on the pitch. There is much discussion amongst the Sky Soccer Saturday pundits as to whether this is motivational for the players, or simply humiliating. They decide on the latter as they watch the City players have to strip down to their jockstraps, get gunked with pink custard and, under threat of electric cattle-prod, are forced to dance. "It certainly brought us all together" says a trembling Ian Ashbee after a spirited goalless second half performance ensures a 3-0 defeat. Anthony Gardner finally gets off the treatment table, but injures his calf doing so. After Mr Duffen encourages KCFM's Steve Jordan to "lift the pre-match build-up to a higher level", City get off to a bad start at home to Tottenham, going behind in the first minute to a stunning goal from want-away striker Fraizer Campbell. "We were all a bit confused early doors" admits Andy Dawson afterwards, "what with the music still playing and that. I'm sure I could have got a block in on Fraizer if that Jordan twat hadn't got in the way." Geovanni scores two in a fine home win over Bolton, but when the sun goes in throws a tantrum because he is not being substituted. Jubilation over the very welcome three points is doubled by the news that Jimmy Bullard is now only four weeks away. Back on schedule. SEPTEMBER Live on Radio Humberside, the BBC's David Burns asks Phil Brown how he is today, only to be told that it's none of his business. As a result of this "invasion of privacy", Brown refuses to do any more interviews with the station, but will of course still be available to absolutely any other media outlet. Down in the lower leagues, after gaining just one point from a possible 18, Alan Shearer (known in Hull as `Our Messiah') resigns as Newcastle manager, blaming their abysmal start on events that occurred before and up to his appointment. Multi millionaire owner Mike Ashley concedes to fan pressure and hires Peter Beardsley as replacement. When, in a club profile-raising appearance on ITV's `Loose Women', Phil Brown lets slip that he's "never heard of Darfur", the previously presumed selflessness of his own `Tan For Sudan' charity becomes a matter of some debate. What is not in question, however, is his dedication to the project when at a Fans' Forum he is mistaken for George Boateng. As the global recession deepens, The Financial Times publishes a report on secure savings. Topping their list of `Safest Money', by some margin, is the £10,000 held by Marstons Brewery as prize money for their half-time `Crossbar Challenge' at Hull's KC Stadium. "Even for a professional footballer to get anywhere near the goal let alone hit the crossbar from the centre-spot is some ask, so for these beer-bellied, flabby-kneed, flimsy-trainered unfortunates, none of whom in the history of the competition has managed to lift the ball out of the centre circle, it is clearly an impossibility. Marstons could up the prize money for this so-called `entertainment' to a billion and still sleep very easily, much like the KC crowd seem to do during it" the article states. City move off the bottom of the table after a 1-1 home draw against Burnley. To boost City fans' morale even further, there is news that Jimmy Bullard is only five weeks away. OCTOBER In an attempt to bring to an end the winless run, Paul Duffen believes the solution is not so much in team tactics and selection (an area in which he believes "Phil is being wonderfully, phenomenally brave") as in "further expenditure of effort on creating a more exciting atmosphere at the KC". Despite widespread fan protest, he announces that we are to have "music after goals". The system, however, is not tested throughout October as The Tigers fail to hit the net against Wigan, Stoke and a virus-depleted Sunderland. Finally, out of sheer desperation, it is played anyway upon Sunderland's fifth (McShane 72). Disappointingly, given that in his announcement Mr. Duffen had described us as an "innovative, forward-thinking club, whose global footprint is highlighted by its uniqueness", the music is `Tom Hark', and even the Sunderland fans stop celebrating in order to clutch their heads in despair. After a 0-0 draw against Arsenal at the KC which sees a series of outrageous refereeing decisions deny the visitors the win they deserve, a dignified Arsene Wenger offers his hand to shake Phil Brown's. Under huge media scrutiny, Brown reaches his hand out but then pulls back and cocks a snoot. It is described by the Setanta panel as being "embarrassing, undignified and childish" but by Paul Duffen as "just another indication of The Man's greatness." "It's why I love Him so" he blushes. When asked how far away Jimmy Bullard is now, Phil Brown says "about 5,000 miles". He explains that Bullard is actually in Los Angeles undergoing an exploratory operation on his knee. "I thought that was all mended" Humberside's David Burns politely suggests, only to be told to "F*** right off." It's subsequently revealed to Hull City fans (outside the Radio Humberside region) that the problem is not with Bullard's injured knee, but with his other one. Doctors fear it may have suffered long-term "wear and tear" damage, Jimmy having only stood on that leg for the best part of a year.
NOVEMBER Following defeats at Villa, Chelsea, and at home to a 4th string Manchester Utd, the Tigers find themselves back in the drop zone, five points from safety. When fans express their concern over Phil Brown's reported absence from training at this crucial time, Paul Duffen explains: "Phil is away actioning a pre-planned strategy to further enhance the global profile of the club brand" he says, lovingly fondling a flower last seen in his manager's lapel. A few hours later, Brown's whereabouts are revealed when, amidst flashbulbs and raucous screaming, he steps out of a limousine and enters the Big Brother house. Brown is the first housemate to be evicted. Whether the club's global profile has been enhanced is arguable after Channel 4 report that the scale of the eviction vote is the highest in the programme's history. BT also describe themselves as having been "unable to cope" with the volume of calls even a week before voting was opened. "I think what started it were those celebrations he did after winning that arm-wrestling match" a spokesman says. "People felt that was a bit over the top, I mean, against Stephen Hawking?" Upon his exit, Davina McCall asks `Nasty' Phil how, after seven days spent entirely indoors, he has managed to emerge "looking so healthy". Phil smiles, winks, pinches her bum then her microphone and serenades the viewing public with "The Sun Always Shines On TV' Phil Brown returns from his television commitments to find The Tigers have climbed up to 16th, Brian Horton having guided them to two successive wins in his absence. "It was all down to Phil's team selection" says a nervous Horton. In the lower leagues, after failing to turn around their poor run of form, Peter Beardsley is dismissed by Newcastle. Quite wealthy owner Mike Ashley, bowing to fans' superior football knowledge, replaces him with Robson Green. DECEMBER A survey in media magazine `Global Footprint' reveals that Hull City have, in nine short months, plummeted from being everybody's `second favourite' Premier League club to being everybody's `most hated'. "There is no such thing as bad publicity" says chairman Paul Duffen outside Hull Magistrates Court having been charged for driving without due care, attention, licence or insurance, "and if that survey tells us anything it is that Phil Brown perhaps needs to raise his profile." Possibly as a result, the following week sees Phil Brown pop up on BBC's "What Not To Wear". In a coincidence of some irony, Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas appears on the same edition. In an attempt to maintain morale, City go on a team-bonding trip to the Yorkshire Dales. "We did it when I was responsible for Big Sam keeping Bolton in the Premiership" says Brown. "We're going on one of these `Murder Weekends' at a hotel in Richmond. It's great for team spirit." Unfortunately, late on the Saturday night, Geovanni is indeed murdered. Several people are interviewed by the police, including Manchester City's sixth choice but very happy striker Daniel Cousin, who happens to be in the area seeking extra income for still not doing very much. As he boards the coach back to Hull, Phil Brown – clearly irked that another Brazilian's death is getting such media attention - is asked for his reaction. "Well, it leaves us a bit short in midfield, that's plain for all to see" he smiles. "But if you don't mind, these lads need their spirits lifting" he adds, before grabbing the bus microphone and stunning the already traumatised squad with a rendition of: "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?' JANUARY City progress to the 4th round of the FA Cup after brushing aside recently appointed Jimmy Nail's Newcastle 1-0. After sacking Nail, owner Mike Ashley, who has a bob or two, accedes to fan pressure by appointing Geordie legend Sting. Players are confused by Sting's first team-talk, when all he wants to say to them is de do do do, dah dah dah. The January transfer window nears its close with so far no new additions to the squad. Asked by Sky Sports News whether the club learned anything from the effect of their dealings in last year's window, especially with regard to the Bullard signing, Mr Duffen guffaws: "Don't worry, we won't be doing that again!" The following day, City tempt Darren Anderton out of retirement with a 70 grand a week 6 year deal. "The money's irrelevant", says Anderton from his motorized wheelchair, "I love it up here. It's so flat. I know all there is to know about this club and I just can't wait to pull on a Hull F.C. shirt and get out there at Boothferry Park." Bernard Mendy demands a transfer to F.C. Dieppe, and is consequently sold on a free. Unfortunately the deal is already closed before a translator explains that Bernard had merely wanted to "go to The Deep". After his recent call-up to the England squad, a modest Michael Turner does a 60-second interview for BBC's Football Focus and as a result is promptly sold to Liverpool. "I'm not having anyone here who thinks they're bigger than this club's manager" this club's manager says. When Manucho complains that he "doesn't like the area", the club offer to upgrade him from Bransholme to Beverley. When he explains that he means the penalty area, he is sold back to Manchester Utd for 25 grand. In the final hours of the window, City confirm their desire to bring in "not just the right sort of player, but the right sort of character" by bringing in Joey Barton and Lee Bowyer. They also welcome back Marlon King. Jimmy Bullard is reported as being "much closer". (He's now in a clinic in New York.) Darren Anderton meanwhile is ruled out until next season with a recurrence of a 1997 arthritis problem. FEBRUARY
Prior to the away match at The Stadium of Light, Paul Duffen does his usual mingling with fans, chatting to them about the team-sheet and formation. "I think Maestro Phil's got it absolutely, beautifully right" he tells them, eerily massaging the ear-wax on what looks like one of Brown's discarded headsets. "Obviously there's a slight lack of choice up front after the ugly incident with Marlon on the way here, but playing Nathan Doyle as a lone striker I personally think smacks of genius, don't you agree?" "Why-aye, man" says a helpful Mackem, "but ah think you should be up the other end, where aal them amba and black fellas are." Just three minutes into their debuts, Bowyer and Barton are both red carded after an almighty brawl. No other players from either side are involved. But nine man City win 1-0. (Doyle 89). The evening news reports that a 16-year-old girl who works behind the counter at an A1 service station was at lunchtime savagely attacked by an as yet unidentified animal. The ferocity of the attack left her with three broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder and several bite-marks to the face. When asked what she remembers about the animal she says "All I remember is it asking me if I fancied a shag." A recently signed Hull City footballer is helping the police with their enquiries. City are dumped out of the cup by Darlington, 2-0. (Windass 25,40) MARCH At the start of the season Sky Sports's Jeff Stelling said he expected new-boys Burnley to "do a Derby" but after a fantastic start they have since gone into freefall and Stelling now says they may actually be "doing a Hull". Hull, he thinks, might well be "doing a Stoke", whereas foot of the table Stoke are clearly "doing a West Brom", who, as it happens, he says are "doing a Norwich". Newcastle, so recently having "done a Newcastle" might now be "doing a Leeds", while Leeds are in danger of "doing an Aldershot". Bored co-host Paul Merson accuses Stelling of "doing a Lineker". Even Paul Duffen accepts that the image of the club might be "slightly tarnished" after Phil Brown's undignified exit from BBC's `Strictly Come Dancing'. His post-eviction interview - effectively a rabid rant about the judges' poor decision-making – becomes headline news when he accuses Len Goodman of spitting at his dance partner. "Hopefully he's proud of himself. I was there, or thereabouts, and I witnessed it, I think", fumes the sequin-spangled Brown, "And what he's doing dressed like that, in black tie and stuff, I don't know. It just shows you what this programme is all about." APRIL Mark Lawrenson is finally relieved of his duties as BBC Online's tipster having managed just one correct result out of 462 predictions so far this season (Manchester Utd's home win over injury-ravaged Burnley). About his sacking, Lawrenson rather pointlessly says: "Well, I didn't see THAT coming." Training ground injuries to ***an (broken leg), Marney (broken nose), Turner (ear-loss), and the end of Ian Ashbee's playing career (cigarette burns), are put down to Joey Barton having got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. "When his psychiatrists said we needed more interaction, I didn't think they meant this" says Brian Horton, in traction, at Hull Royal Infirmary. Umpires hold up play in the England v Pakistan Twenty 20 match at Old Trafford when a stray football bounces across the pitch. In the nearby Manchester Utd v Stoke game, an embarrassed Rory Delap is handed another ball. The biggest shock of the season occurs on Radio Humberside's post match phone-in, where a stunned David Burns receives a call from somebody who has actually been to the game. April sees City tackle a run of five `must win' games by going for a draw in each. They lose all five, leaving them above the drop zone only on goal difference. But there is encouraging news as Jimmy Bullard is described as being "days away" from full recovery. Possibly as few as 40. MAY There are more tears on Tyneside as Newcastle are relegated from the Championship. Distraught caretaker-manager Mark Knopfler explains he couldn't bring into the club the things he really needed. When asked what exactly it was that he had wanted to install, he says "Microwave ovens and chicks for free." Destitute owner Mike Ashley meanwhile slaps a £500 million price tag on the club in order to achieve "a quick sale". The last game of the season and `Survival Sunday' sees City entertaining Sam Allardyce's Blackburn Rovers. Safety will be assured if the Tigers match or better Sunderland's result at home to Manchester Utd. With United playing Real Madrid in Wednesday's Champion's League Final, there is concern that Sir Alex Ferguson might put out a severely weakened team against City's rivals. "Well what else do you expect from that Scottish ****? We'll sue the bastards" reasons the under pressure Phil Brown. "People have been saying I'm losing the plot" the stressed manager tells the assembled media (except for Radio Humberside). "Losing the plot is doing something daft like saying you're getting into Europe when you've just won a couple of games, or using your own name in the third person, well I can assure you, you won't catch Phil Brown doing that." "It's time to throw caution to the wind, and that's why I'm going for a 3-man midfield. People can say I'm crazy, but I'm not" he adds, before announcing a novel 7-3-0 formation through the medium of modern dance. Sir Alex Ferguson's talented youngsters struggle against a Sunderland side that, bizarrely bucking the trend set by last season's relegation candidates, seems to want to score, and a McShane header gives The Black Cats a 1-0 half-time lead. Early in the second half a roar erupts around the Stadium of Light as news comes through that Blackburn have taken the lead at Hull. At the KC, a flustered Phil Brown turns once more to his trusty advisor for help, but Big Sam is too busy celebrating. Slightly misreading the situation, Brown brings off his most attacking players (both midfielders) and shores up the defence with Cooper and the barely mobile Gardner. It turns out to be a stroke of genius, as Macheda equalises for Manchester Utd. With a minute to go, and needing a goal to stay up, Gardner hobbles off to be replaced by Jimmy Bullard. It's the first time in the history of the game that a player has been stretchered ON to the field. It turns out to be another Phil Brown tactical master stroke: In added time, seconds remaining, ***an scuffs a cross, Paul Robinson fumbles, straight into the path of Bullard. Leaping on the chance much in the style of Douglas Bader, our Jimmy controls the ball, steadies himself, then skies it into Row Z just as, up on Wearside, bargain-buy Manucho rises gloriously to head a winner for Manchester Utd. Final whistles at both grounds. Sobbing at the Stadium of Light, euphoria at the KC. Phil Brown mounts a centre circle podium to sing "My Way", omitting the line that confesses to having had any regrets, and is once more rightfully hailed as a hero. Brewing giants Asia Pacific, makers of Tiger Beer, take over the club. (On the other hand, this might happen before the season starts, in which case practically everything above will be very, very different
It's very well written, though I'd possibly have suggested posting a month a day for the next week or so, so people could actually be arsed to read it all.
Yeah good thinking - should have done really but just came across it again, read it and it really cheered me up so just posted it on impulse.
