Sunderland's 10 Transfer Commandments

Hi Everyone, I initially wrote this about a month ago (as a light hearted open letter to PDC and his team) to post here on the opening of the transfer window. It's very interesting to see how some of the moves so far have progressed relative to what I have written! As you will see, the material below is also something of a research piece into our less than stellar transfer history over the last 5 or so years. When you see what we have done in its totality, our recent poor performances become less of a surprise. So, without further delay...


Dear Ellis, Paolo and Roberto

For the good of our club and the sanity of its long suffering supporters, please follow these simple commandments this summer. Failure to follow these commandments is guaranteed to lead to annual relegation battles, 17[SUP]th[/SUP] place finishes and lost season ticket revenue. I trust they will hold you in good stead.

1. Thy shalt not buy from relegated clubs except in the most extreme of circumstances.

Their clubs were relegated for good reason.

Fletcher: good (particularly if he’ll be your only first rate striker for the season - groan). Ashley Young: very good (the irony of MON having made this purchase for Villa is not lost here).

Gardiner, Vaughan and Larsson: bad, very bad. For further detail, please see commandment 10(c) below.

2. Thy shalt not buy cast-offs from clubs that are mid-table and below.

Stars, yes. Cast-offs, no. I’m looking squarely here at Titus Bramble, Carlos Cuellar and Danny Graham. If the player is no good for them, what level of club does common sense dictate that this person will justify? I’ll give you some time to think about this... (thinking)... (thinking some more)... Bingo. I’m glad we could clear that up, let’s move on.

3. Thy shalt not buy any ‘hot young striker prospect’ from the Championship or below unless it takes up less than 10% of the transfer budget and until we have a respectable first XI.

We’d all love to take a punt on the likes of Jordan Rhodes and Charlie Austin. However, the EPL is mightily unforgiving on young and/or mediocre strikers (cough, Stead, splutter LeTallec, vomit, Chopra) and the jury is still deliberating over Wickham. Of course, the previous theory has been that any time you can pull all the stops to sign David Nugent, then you must do it. To our supporters who hate Harry Redknapp, his defence tenders Exhibit A.

4. They shalt not buy any goalkeeper for more than 5 million pounds unless our transfer budget is more than 50 million pounds.

Man U can do this. Chelsea can do this. Man City can do this. Arsenal could probably do this. Liverpool shouldn’t do this, but probably would try to if given the chance. We can’t. Let’s be flexible and make this Commandment subject to review pending our qualification for the Champions League. Hmmmmmm, how about we just carve this one into stone and save ourselves the trouble.

5. Thy shalt not loan any player in without an option to buy.

If they’re crap, you’ll send them back; if they’re good, they’ll be taken back off you. Why on Earth would you do this if you’re trying to be a self-sufficient and established EPL club, and you have actual transfer funds available? Of course, I suppose training another team’s youngster in a way that team cannot (with real live game time) while paying for the privilege must always be part of any successful transfer and financial strategy, mustn’t it? Sigh.

6. Thy shalt buy 2 before selling 1 this summer.

We’re too threadbare as it is and applying the opposite rule nearly cost us our EPL status. I don’t care how you make it work financially (although I think spending $30m should do the trick), just do it. Please. Pretty please. Thank you.

7. Thy shalt end up with a strike force of 3 solid strikers competing for 1-2 places each week and another 2 juniors nipping at their heels.

The object of the game is to score goals guys. Just saying.

8. Thy shalt replace any star player sold/moved on with a star player in the same position of equal or greater value.

Having Bent, Gyan and Wellbeck (an example of commandment no. 5 being broken) morph into Bendtner/Sessegnon and then Fletcher/Sessegnon was not any normal person’s idea of progress and in blatant violation of Commandment 7.

9. Thy shalt spend at least 30 million pounds (wisely) this summer.

Don’t ask why, just do it while obeying the other 9 commandments.

10. Thy shalt not do anything similar to the following:

(a) buy Jar-Jar Binks Anton Ferdinand for 8m pounds and sell him 2 years later for 1m pounds (yes, a club out there really did this. Yes, really);

(b) sell Fraizer Campbell for 650K, when you bought him 3 years earlier for 3.5m pounds and when he’s still probably your second best striker - because you sold all of your other quality strikers (excuse me while I smash my head into the corner bit of my filing cabinet... ok, I’m done);

(c) let Bolo Zenden and Steed Malbranque walk out the door, particularly when they want to stay, have plenty left to contribute as squad players, are consummate professionals (despite the cigarettes), popular with the fans and when, even with their zimmer frames, they’re infinitely better than the flotsam you’re proposing to trot out in their place (it’s ok, I’ll wait while you smash your head into something this time);

(d) sign David Healy for $2m, never use him and then let him walk for nothing 2 years later;

(e) sign Rade Prica for $2m, clearly without having seen him play and when even a rudimentary YouTube analysis would have disclosed that he was incapable of rubbing 2 sticks together, let alone playing football... the stop using him after about 2 games and ditch him for nothing a year later (the correct action of course would have been to incinerate him or place him into witness protection);

(e) sell George McCartney to West Ham for nothing (bad, even if you’ve just been relegated), buy him back 2 years later for 4.5m when he does not want to play for you (rising based on conditions) (egregiously bad), watch him pout for 3 years and then ‘sell’ him back to West Ham for an ‘undisclosed’ amount (read: a stone cold nothing). Or, putting it briefly: don’t f***ing give West Ham 4.5m f***king pounds and free use of the prime of a player! Perhaps we should implement a ‘don’t do business with West Ham’ Commandment until we figure things out? My count is West Ham: $12.5m+, Sunderland: nil;

(f) buy Kieran Richardson for 5m pounds (defensible, when you’re a promoted team) and then sell him to a mid–table rival 5 years later for $2m when he’s in his prime, particularly when said mid-table club and Mr Richardson are desperate for the move and when you’re not that desperate to sell (indefensible)... and the replacement you have lined up is a loan player (who ends up being your best outfield player for the season and perhaps even your overall player of the season) WHO YOU DO NOT HAVE AN OPTION TO BUY. Please write the following out 100 times: ‘I will not break the 5[SUP]th[/SUP] Commandment’;

(g) buy more than 1 unheard of South American long-shot at a time. Of course, any time you can triple this type of risk, clog your wage bill and demoralise 3 South Americans all at once while looking like you have the man-management skills of Saddam Hussein, you absolutely have to do it before the chance disappears; or

(h) buy El Hadji Diouf or Pascal Chimbonda under any circumstances whatsoever. This one is here just in case anyone forgets. Now, where is my scotch?

Yours faithfully

‘Meniscus’

 

Haha, made me laugh. Good write up Meniscus, and if SAFC followed those rules, we would actually be better off.

Gotta wonder who makes the business decisions tho... selling players for alot less than we bought. It's times like those I wish we were more like Levy and Ashely.

 

the millions of quid that our ex managers wasted is enough to make you cry the only one to get value was steve bruce, i know his tactics were'nt the best also his substitutions but he knew his way round the market.

 

Loved the idea of them reading that at a board room, either would have gone down great, or terrible