I can't abide people who think they're badly off - a mate of mine was involved in a terrible accident where he lost the use of both his legs and his voice. Does he make a song and dance about it? No, he does not. REMEMBER: If you are in bed with a blind girl and she says... "I've never had my hands on a cock as big as yours" She's probably just pulling your leg. please log in to view this image
A mate just asked me what ring-tone I have. "I've never really looked, but probably a light brown" I said.
Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently, you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life. How the **** do these bastard ****-bags come up with this ****ing bollocks?
I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' the other day. I must say I was very pleased with the results. Those Piranhas don't mess about.
A woman in labour is screaming blue murder at her husband in the delivery room. Looking on with disinterest, he nonchalantly replies... "Don't blame me, I wanted to put it up your arse, but nooooooo... you thought that might hurt."
In school, we had an assembly on bullying. The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.
A mate said he's thinking of divorcing his wife as she hasn't spoken to him in over four months. I told him to think very carefully as women like that are ****ing hard to find.
Knock Knock Who's there? Doctor Doctor Who? Doctor Nick - HI EVERYBODY HI DOCTOR NICK please log in to view this image
I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in. The Director said " we fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup or bucket, and ask them to empty the bath." The visitor said " oh, I see. The normal person would choose the bucket, because it's the biggest." "No", said the Director, " a normal person would pull out the ****ing plug". " Would you like a bed near the window?"
I used to love Robocop as a kid but thought it was bullshit that they could replace human parts with machine parts! Just last week, I had a metal leg fitted after a car crash! Oh, the iron knee!
I went to the Doctors the other day and told him I couldn't hear correctly! He had a look, and said "Ah, I see your problem, you have cream and custard in one ear and jelly and sponge in the other ... you're a trifle deaf".
My son just got kicked out of school for letting one of the girls **** him off. "That's three schools this year" I told him sternly. "Maybe you're just not cut out for teaching".
The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets. I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.
