SOT - Man Utd vs Liverpool Alternative Commentary

Let's face it, a title has been "Seriously Off-Topic" since about 2000, other than the wonderful Intertoto Cup success all the pundits and fans seem to have forgotten...

Anyway, I watched 240 minutes of football yesterday without seeing a live goal yesterday (gave up on the Madrid match, don't want to look at how thrilling it probably became when I switched off), so let's hope Sunday breaks the dry spell. Haven't gone this long without seeing somebody scoring since I was in that weird clique at High School. Hopefully I won't have to revert to invoking almighty Beelzebub today

Though Sky have billed it Van Persie vs Suarez, it's disappointingly just advertising the football match, not a gladiatorial "only one survives" situation...

Side-topics today;

1. Suarez, cheating arse or misunderstood and wounded bunny?
2. How many goals head-start will Fergie give the opposition today?
3. Is Wayne Rooney world class?
4. What does "world class" actually mean?
5. De Gea, potential, or potentially the worst signing of all time?

 

Kick-off Howard Webb blows the whistle to get the game started... Hasn't reffed a game at Old Trafford for 16 months apparently... So he either didn't give Fergie a penalty or an orgasm.

 

Side-topics today;

1. Suarez, cheating arse or misunderstood and wounded bunny?
2. How many goals head-start will Fergie give the opposition today?
3. Is Wayne Rooney world class?
4. What does "world class" actually mean?
5. De Gea, potential, or potentially the worst signing of all time?

6) After passing a late fitness test will the talismanic Howard Webb again prove to be Fergie's best ever signing.

 

1st minute: Pass back to De Gea, who saves it magnificently (ok the pass was way wide of goal, and De Gea took it under control simply and passed it, but we can't have Fergie refusing an interview at the end of the game now can we, he might call me "wee" ).... Doesn't seem to have been a problem at the handshake stage today, but I wasn't paying too much attention... If we're going to make footballers pretend to be gentlemen, they should wear top-hats and monocles for the entirety of the game. "Bravo old bean", Suarez would say as he tips his hat at Evra, "Bravo".

 

8th minute: And still no bloody goal Suicidal passing at the back for Liverpool though, they're trying their best to give us one, bless them!

 

Man United will win

 

I want both of these vile teams to lose.

 

10th minute: Wayyyyy 250 minutes without a goal now...

 

Ironically your username is the closest I might get to having "Goal" associated with this thread today... #BudweisersMultiballsPLEASE

 

You are welcome

 

No where near enough bad tackles for my liking. I thought they hated each other?

 

reading with interest

 

Fergie should be looking to bring Howard Webb off he's done bugger all

 

15th minute: De Gea has been marvellous so far. Of course we've had nothing in the way of a shot so far... or a cross... Still, the way he calmly wanders around in his penalty box in his own little word is quite brilliant. When I was a keeper I used to sing "All by Myself" when I was bored, wonder what professional keepers do.

 

18th minute VAN PERSIE GOAL

 

18th minute: Nice move by Man Utd, falls to Evra wide left in the area, who cuts it back to Van Persie, who predictably steers it past Reina... He's shattered any illusions I had of a world record, but I don't care!

It's almost boring how good he is at finishing. He could have dropped one of those horse lips at that pass and it would have burst the net!

 

RVP is really good isn't he. This could get bad for Liverpool, Man U look up for it.

 

22nd minute: Liverpool predictably winning the passing so far... The wonderful De Gea hasn't been tested yet though. He may have the speed and skill of a professional boxer, but these days Gerrard has the penetration of an 80 year-old without viagra. And whose penis has fallen off. Literally, there's not even a nub there.

 

Joe Allen is turd.

 

30th minute: Jose Mourinho and Roy Hodgson sitting next to each other, and beside them somebody with a Man Utd scarf over their eyes... Surprisingly it's not Webb, he's officiating today.