Filling up a trombone with broken bourbon biscuits Using semen and a chamois to buff up a rather tired-looking pair of brogues Stuffing rollmops into the anus of a Danish undertaker Cataloguing Nazi memorabilia while enjoying the strains of Golden Earring Gluing Cutters Choice tobacco to a picture of Elton John's pre-syrup head The law of averages deems it, so what do you reckon is happening out there?
Using a croquet mallet to nail someone's scrotum to a windmill sail. In Rutland. Buying up Paisley's entire stock of light soy sauce. Castigating a small child by way of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. Asking a sales assistant at Wrexham's branch of Ponden Homes whether or not Terry Wogan has been in store to buy soft furnishings. Emailing pictures of Norfolk's smallest churches to Tom Selleck's agent.
Someone, somewhere is... ...cowering in a cupboard, trying to stem the blood flow from her split lip whilst holding a bag of slowly-melting frozen peas over the unsightly black eyes she has just received, safe in the knowledge that this is only the beginning of the merciless beating she will receive from her alcohol-fuelled husband whose permanent rage at his pitiful place in life causes his violent outbursts.
