So Fabregas went to Barca, Torres failed to score for Chelsea and Kieron Dyer’s QPR..

...............debut lasted precisely four minutes. You wouldn’t need to have read Nostradamus for Beginners to predict that sequence of events.

Throw in Rio Ferdinand out for six weeks, Arsenal and Joey Barton in trouble and a QPR side that has had around 50p spent on new players getting thrashed at home on their return to the big time – all very predictable.

There was a carnival atmosphere at Loftus Road for the opening-day visit of Bolton, but four goals later it resembled a wedding party who have just learned the groom has done a runner with the head bridesmaid.

As the third goal went in, the fans were revolting (quite literally in some cases) as they protested against the paltry summer transfer budget with chants of: “Where’s the money gone?”

I’ve got no idea, but I’ll put it to Tamara and Petra Ecclestone when I attend the house-warming parties at their respective multi-million pound mansions.


The answer?

Co-owner Flavio Briatore stomed off well before the end, while prospective owner Tony Fernandes must have wondered what on earth he’d got himself into.

The F1 magnate, who owns a team that’s one F short of Loftus, is a self-confessed West Ham nut who attempted the Remington “I like them so much I bought the company” Steele approach with the Hammers but failed. He is now fondly recalling the time he lived on the Uxbridge Road in a bid to ingratiate himself with Rangers supporters.

I live a stone’s throw from Tottenham (unfortunate choice of words, granted) but that doesn’t mean I’m going to jump ship….although it might save me a lot of pain down the road, come to think of it.

The few hundred Bolton fans able to remortgage their house to afford a ticket to the game were beside themselves with joy, chanting “4-0, even Muamba scored!” and “Premiership, you’re having a laugh!”

I was going to pedantically point out it’s actually Premier League you’re having a laugh, but had frankly lost the will to live by that stage.

My favourite comment came from ‘real_loftus’ on the Loft For Words messageboard: “If Hall and Gabbidon is the answer…what was the question?!” Answers on a postcard please.

Over at Chelsea, new boss Andre Villas-Boas was bemoaning the strong-arm tactics of Stoke (quelle surprise) as his side were held to a goalless draw at Fortress Britannia.

There were doubts as to whether Fernando Torres would play after suffering memory loss while on international duty. But in the event the only thing he forgot was that he is rubbish whenever he pulls on a blue shirt, and he can count himself unlucky not to have scored.

Last week also saw Millwall fans taking on the unlikely role of moral guardians to protect their manor from the yobbos, while chanting “No-one loots us” and helping little old grannies across the road.


No joy for our Bob on Saturday

On that subject, Spurs boss Harry Redknapp observed: “After the war, no-one was going around mugging old ladies….if someone got put in prison, someone would give them a hiding for mugging an old lady.” Make your mind up, ‘Arry.

Elsewhere in west London, Fulham fought out a stalemate with Aston Villa at the Cottage, as Bobby Zamora, sporting a cast on his wrist, was twice denied by brilliant stops from Shay Given. The keeper was in such inspired form he could played the match with both arms in plaster and still kept a clean sheet.

Meanwhile, Brentford made it one win and one defeat after going down 2-0 to an impressive-looking Sheffield United.

On the Griffin Grapevine forum, fans were invited to give their ‘champagne moment’ from the game. ”North London Bee’ said: “Changing my mind about going around 9am in the morning – saved me a day of misery and frustration”, while ‘Alex Lowe’ offered: “Getting home and watching QPR getting trounced!” Every cloud….

Actor Samuel L Jackson bizarrely did the guest predictions on the BBC’s Football Focus, foolishly putting Rangers down for a win – don’t give up the day job, son.

In fact, let’s turn it on its head and get football fans to predict when the Snakes on a Plane star will next make a decent movie (don’t tell him I said so, though).

All of which reminds me of one of my all-time favourite football quotes, when ITV pundit Andy Townsend was asked to comment on the afore-mentioned film and replied: “Snakes on a Plane? What’s that all about?”

In other news, Swansea replaced QPR at the bottom of the Premier League (thank the Lord for the alphabet) following a 4-0 trouncing by Man City. New boy Sergio Aguero enjoyed a fantastic two-goal debut for the home side, prompting The Sun headline ’Ag-A-2′.

And then there was Robbie Keane, completing his ‘dream move’ to LA Galaxy. I’ll give it a day or so before he starts telling everyone he’s always had a soft spot for the club and they were his American team when he was growing up.

And finally, exchange of the week came between West Ham chief executive Karren Brady and former Hammers player Benni McCarthy.

The pie-loving striker accused Brady of being ”the devil with a set of tits”. To which she replied: “I’m meant to have tits – you aren’t.” Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.



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