âThe whole world looks to Scotland for all our ideas of civilisation... and that's why we're in the gutter with an booze problemâ ~ Oscar Wilde paraphrasing Voltaire during steamy Gay Sauna get together with London intelligentsia Scotland is a small village in the North of Greenland.The country is currently regarded as having the most violent people in Europe or in fact the World. Scotland is also regarded as a failed state by the UN, with political corruption from all parties leading to endless enquiries that lead to nowhere, this also means that for Scotland to get any benefits or not go bankrupt on unfashionable skirts, they have to be in the union of theUnited Kingdom of Britannia (and Northern Pangaea). The Scots have a Parliament which was designed by Manuel from Fawlty Towers, and is a desperate (failed) attempt to make Edinburgh look like the "Barcelona of the North". Instead, Scotland has been cruelly compared to - as quoted by the pope - "the saggy pulp found in between my toes." The illness of 'Scotland' The illness of Scotland is something that any visitor will begin to feel after spending any time here - conditions such as a debilitating sense of despair and a fear of the outside world or a general sense of paranoia are symptoms; you may also find Chips on your Shoulders. Skin ailments and asthma from the heavily polluted air may occur, and you may also find that you feel the need to shout at people or become a member of an obscure cult like the Wicca cult in that ****e seventies documentary on Shetland. If you suffer from one or many of these symptoms it is a sign that you're suffering from Scotland; Booze is the prescription cure for the condition - repeat as necessary. The native folk drink vast quantities of Irn Bru to keep them from committing suicide. It is not recommended that newcomers try this as years of physical abuse defend the Scots from feeling the effects of Irn Bru, Deep-fried Mars Bars and Pizzas. Should you be a 'plus size'American I would still caution against this difficult regime of physical abuse through diet and lifestyle; should you be Polish, I invite you to try it and see if the communist in you can survive it and live to tell the tale - probably not, but that's not all bad. There is also the symptom of Oompah Loompahism in females; a gross physical condition that affects the Scots women - orange skin and heavily died hair and a harsh masculine look. One would think that these terrible mutations are Chavs/Neds affected by Irn Bru and awful home conditions, however they often display a great deal of intelligence and some degree of understanding of the world so rare in Scotland. This symptom of the illness of Scotland primarily affects third generation 'Pure Native' Scots and is incurable unless from a responsible woman beater (Scotsman) who can reverse this terrible symptom of Scotland. Drug Addicts See also: Drugs This is by far the most prevalent animal in Scotland. They prowl endlessly, barking in the streets and are accused of draining Scotland's economy. The over-breeding of these creatures is no doubt the cause of much of the urban decay throughout Scotland. Alcoholics and Hobos are also of the same Genus, however they tend to look better and are largely unable to talk or communicate with others, The Drug Addict of Scotland, on the other hand, has been to a fine Scottish University and is able to communicate between fixes and possibly during fixes, although no conclusive study has been made as the research students fled when the screaming/barking started. Their main hideouts include toilets and generally the street where deals can proceed openly, as the Police are usually arresting 10 year olds for possession of knives and, more often than not, pump action shotguns.
“It never ceases to amuse me how every single Irish person thinks themselves witty just because they were born on the same island as me.” ~ Oscar Wilde on Ireland Ireland, not to be confused with Iraq, is the boggy, green mound located a fair bit west of Japan and is renowned for its rolling drunks, being a former Soviet republic, green hills, 364 days of rainfall each year, unexcused sentimentalism, Luck of the Irish and the turf (ah, the turf). Ireland has been president of the Federation of Nations that hate Britain since 1169. The island of Ireland is split into two parts, Northern Badlands and the Republic of Ireland. Northern Badlands is part of the UK and has been since 1955. Formation St Patrick heroically defends himself against the Druids. As a country, Ireland's founding father is generally recognised as being Patrick McGoohan and his army of leprechauns. Patrick McGoohan is of course best known for driving the snakes out of Ireland, a venture which at one point required the hiring of a medium sized bus - although several snakes refused to be driven for reasons of motion sickness and insisted on rail or air travel instead. This incurred the wrath of the strong Druid contingent then present in Ireland who much favoured serpent symbology at the time, and so they used their powers to call down a plague of large, white weather balloons upon Patrick to punish him, although this proved largely ineffectual when it was quickly discovered that large, white weather balloons are almost entirely useless as a means of terrorising people. Because of this, Patrick McGoohan was quickly canonised by the The Church in recognition of antagonising alternative religions, and is now remembered to all as St.Patrick. As for the army of leprechauns...well they have become something of a myth. Although today they are believed to be hiding underground, on many national holidays (all 364 of them(they don't like the 2nd of June)) many Irish search for the lost leprechauns so that they may one day conquer the world. As to the currently known location of the famed leprechauns, one can only guess... The Famine “You will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.” ~ Radio Norwich presenter, Alan Partridge Not many people can recall the date of the Great Irish Famine because they all either died, ate the paper everything was written on, or buggered off to mainland Britain with the eldest fine young Catholic lady in the poorest, most desperate for money family in the area, this is how Ireland lost all genetic class. Not many people are aware of the fact that the famine was actually as much caused by the Irish refusing to eat substandard food as to their inability to work a twelve hour day until they arrived in a workhouse. When the famine was finally over, every smart person left Ireland, leaving only drunks, perverts and catholics to fend the British off. Potato Famine Denial A number of liars, among them historian David Irving, Iranian supremo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Irish TV current affairs specialist David McWilliams and British TV host Michael Barrymore, deny the Potato Famine ever took place, despite obvious, compelling, undeniable, ineluctable, indisputable, incontrovertible historical evidence, and a rich corpus of contemporary accounts. There have been calls from some quarters, most vociferously from Führer Bono, to have deniers extradited to Ireland to face charges of famine denial under the Denial of Potato Famine (Prohibition) Law, 5746-1886. The Troubles When England nicked Northern Ireland from Ireland, B.A. Baradams called for the help of the some ex-army special forces, on the run from the government for a crime they didn't commit. The IRA-Team, which was mainly composed of badgers at the time, bombed the British and Northern Irish, drank the blood of kittens, sucked the brains out of live monkeys and sodomized their Protestant mail boxes. Muammar Gaddafi was very fond of the IRA and donated twelve high-speed modems to their cause. The IRA also developed super powers when bombing a toxic waste dump, with super heat vision, they melted Maggie Thatcher's bra straps. The British soon got very annoyed and grassed them up to the UN; causing the IRA to fear they would get done for selling stolen Betamax video recorders so they went into hiding for a while. They will re-emerge to fight in the year 2035. They also killed people, some of them in very unsportsmanlike fashion. The economic downfall Despite contrary belief of the potato being the national currency, oh hell, who am I kidding, of course it is. At one point in history, however, their main currency was the vodka. There were no potatoes to use for money during the famine, so they resorted to alcohol. They loved it so much, and needed it equally as much, that they were never able to give it to others. Businesses collapsed, the British had little to steal, and there was a nationwide hangover everywhere across the land. They decided to use the potato, figuring that would make one payment instead of two to the British. This led to whisky being a primary export, as they could not procure the Guinness producing gland from their bodies to get it out.
I loved that Alan Partridge meets Irish programme makers episode, "couldn't they have gone to a restaurant?".
