Off Topic SA new book the next installment.

Just for a laugh lets write SA diaries for his next book.

SAFC. Heaven to hell and back again

There is no boundaries on this one. Lets get creative.


The opening.



Sat next to my pool with my tiger print speedos on. It was like a scence out of sexy beast

My house phone rings. Xavier the pool boy answers. 'Si Zam its some american called Eliss. He say he wear short.

So i rub the ambre solaire of my hands and wipe the sweat from the crack of my arse and take the phone from Xavier.

Can i help you?

Yes this is Eliss Short owner of SAFC. Ihave a proposition for you.


We talked for for an hour. He offered to pay me well. With free golf and use of Skibo castle thrown in. I was a bit taken aback when he mentionef his wife gave free blowjobs to private guests.

But the Mrs is staying in Spain with xavier. So thought why not.

I was on the plane in the morning. Heathrow bound. Then a private helicppter was arranged as i told Shorty there was no way i was flying into the hovel on Tynedide.

It felt good to be back.





Over to you.

 

Ellis Short is such a great guy, when I arrived in his office he gave me a Sunderland badge pin and a cuban from his collection.

He told me how Dick Advocaat begged to stay but because I was available he wanted me so ****ed the daft panfaced Dutch off.

It was a lovely wine he had at the table, a 1982 Chateaux... oh, ****, I've been sacked.

****.

 

Could've published that book on Twitter

 

Come on man.

Sam meets the players

 

I get the impression Comm hoped it would be one of those great threads that dragged on for months, that people would update every game and so on.

Sorry.

please log in to view this image

 

I did.

It.d be like stick of the dump.

You.re nee fun.

 

Ok for Comm's benefit.

I walked into the dressing room to meet the players for the first time, in one corner I could see Adam Johnson, on his iPad, he told me he'd be over in a second he was just ordering something from Mama's and Papa's.

Wes Brown was the first to shake my hand, a great defender back in his day, I think they just let him hang out here nowadays so he doesn't get hypothermia sitting at home in his rocking chair, nice guy though.

Then I saw Stephen Fletcher........'s legs, poking out the bottom of the toilet cubicle door, he was throwing up what appeared to be about 8 litres of cider and a load of donner meat, he 'will be fine in five' apparently, so I let him finish up.

Cattermole then come over and stuck the nut on me, because apparently, now I'm here he has to start trying again, he said something about liking dick and I laughed and he hit me again, which wasn't nice, but I guess that's just his way of showing affection.

Adam Johnson then shook my hand, apparently he'd just moisturised his hands in the toilet, I noticed he'd got a bit of his moisturiser on his iPad so I wiped it off for him and rubbed it into my hands, according to the dinner lady he's really nice, he offers to pick her kids up from school almost every day.

Meeting the players was such a nice experience, I think there might be some more somewhere, I've been told they come in as and when they feel like it, which is lovely for them, I've heard traffic is horrendous any road.

Haha traffic, any road, I made a joke.

I'm off to the toilet now, laughing makes me need a ****.

 

^^^^^^^^^

More of his trolley than me.

 

I'm like the drunk you, but can spell.

 

Wait till you get the SA walks in the wrong door and catches Maggie Byrne shaving her rat chapter.

 

Random fact...

Juan Mata translates to John Bush

Sam can have that for his book.

 

Billy, shaving Maggie's dusty old furburger with his free razor, whilst tugging himself into a frenzy.

Allardyce can't take much more of this... it's only day one!

 

Maybe this thread wasnt a good idea.

It may highlite some of the flaws within the club

 

What flaws? There's nowt wrong with the club, just a couple of lads on the pitch, being lazy.

The ladies team are doing great... well at least they were until Sam met them.

I got introduced to a flat chested buck-toothed little thing, she said she was 'head of the ladies team' hahaha ****ing ladies team, I assumed she meant pot-washers in the kitchen so I gave her the plate from my desk that had the bits of fat left over from my bacon sarnie... wouldn't wanna get fat would I? I've got to keep in trim shape for Mrs A.

Anyway, she kicked off, bucking around my office like some wild stallion, started doing keepy uppies with my Cornish Pasty... ****ing slag, don't touch my pastie, I called security but they weren't any where to be found, so I assumed this lady was an intruder, she got her daft head smashed through the window and tipped outside, she landed just next to the bike shed, where Adam Johnson was showing a young kid how to play hide and seek, such a lovely boy.

 

Liking your style tel.


Well the introductions were over. Now for the first training session.

Fltcher got his boots on wrong somehow. Even though they had a L and a R on them.

I could sense a long day ahead.

There was this Dutch lad. Patrick van...**** knows his name. Can run and run. But to no where. So we thought it best to send him to Boldon greyhound stadium. And told him to catch the rabbit.

The rest were still wandering around the canteen/bar area.

This is gonna be tougher than i first thought.

 

Jermain Defoe tipped up, I didn't even know he worked here.

He said "Sorry boss, my bloke who dries my kettle after it's been used was late for work, so I had to sack him and put an advert on for another one"... he talks funny, like he's a bit confused and desperate to get away from me so he can get a stuck-in bogey out his nose.

We set the cones up for 5 a side, Cattermole was kicking them and stamping on them but I think he was just making sure the wind didn't blow them away.

We started doing drills, sprints from one end of the car park to the other, but they all started getting texts which was distracting so we decided to just go in the pub and talk about sprinting instead.

I left early, passed John Carver on the way home, his Blue Ford Orion was broken down at the side of the road, I said I'd send him some help at his request, **** knows what Alcoholics Anonymous are gonna do but they're on their way anyway to help him.

Oh look, there's Joe Kinnear with a greggs cup in his hand and a dog on his lap.

 

^^^^^^

Mad as a hatter.







Dont you ever **** off and leave me alone on this forum again. You ****.