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Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Discussion in 'Southampton' started by TheSecondStain, Jul 15, 2014.

  1. St. Luigi Scrosoppi

    St. Luigi Scrosoppi Well-Known Member

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    Far too long to go in a cracker but amusing anyway:

    As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
    I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
    .. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
    .. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
    .. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
    .. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150
    years.
    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
    Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
    the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
    eyesight to tell the difference.
    Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
    8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
    9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
    chess.
    16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go
    somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
     
    #19701
  2. St. Luigi Scrosoppi

    St. Luigi Scrosoppi Well-Known Member

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    A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
    'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'
    To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Piss off, ye'll no bring it back!
     
    #19702
  3. St. Luigi Scrosoppi

    St. Luigi Scrosoppi Well-Known Member

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    An old blind guy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender -
    'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
    The whole bar immediately falls absolutely silent
    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says -
    'Before you tell that joke Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things':
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy Club'.
    3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
    'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
    The old guy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
    'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.......'
     
    #19703
  4. St. Luigi Scrosoppi

    St. Luigi Scrosoppi Well-Known Member

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    SMART ASS
    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours asthe farmer tried to figure out what to do.
    Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
    He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and beganto shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and criedhorribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at whathe saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.He would shake it off and take a step up.
    As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake itoff and take a step up.
    Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well andhappily trotted off!
    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the wellis to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
    of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
    Free your heart from hatred - - Forgive.
    Free your mind from worries - - Most never happen.
    Live simply and appreciate what you have.
    Give more.
    Expect less.

    NOW ............
    Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
    The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..
    ;

    MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
    When you do something wrong,
    and try to cover your ass,
    it always comes back to bite you.
    You have two choices...smile and close this e-mail, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
     
    #19704
  5. TheSecondStain

    TheSecondStain Needs an early night

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    Oh please. Next it'll be a parody of the two mice and the bucket of cream they fell into.
     
    #19705
  6. St. Luigi Scrosoppi

    St. Luigi Scrosoppi Well-Known Member

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    I didn't start the jokes nonsense FFS!
     
    #19706
  7. SaintinSerbia

    SaintinSerbia Annoying Twat

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    but you've certainly finished them off!
     
    #19707
  8. Clem Fandango

    Clem Fandango Well-Known Member

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    I was recently at my friend Paddy's father's funeral. At the burial Paddy stood over the grave to give a speech. "Just as I promised dad, I'll pour this bottle of Irish whisky over your final destination."
    He then proceeded to take big gulps of it straight from the bottle.
    "I just hope you don't mind if I pass it through my kidneys first".
     
    #19708
  9. fran-MLs little camera

    fran-MLs little camera Well-Known Member

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    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/resources/idt-5ad914e1-afed-4e0d-b7ab-754bf3d0b1e6

    Yet another example of how American law stinks....don't be black or poor or even worse both. They try to get cases through the courts quickly (i.e. cheaply) so they encourage accused to turn others in for a more lenient sentence and force the innocent to plead guilty rather than risk a serious sentence, possibly death. Well known that judges have no time for people who take up court time by pleading innocence....better make sure that ten people can give you an alibi with photographic evidence (if the police don't mislay it). Even worse, there is still no guarantee you will be released when subsequent malpractice is proved. This chap pleaded guilty to manslaughter to avoid the death sentence...even though someone else had been found guilty of the crime and there was nothing that linked him to a one-man crime. He has just been released after 23 years but only until there is a retrial.
     
    #19709
  10. TheSecondStain

    TheSecondStain Needs an early night

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    #19710

  11. SamKimish

    SamKimish Well-Known Member

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    #19711
  12. Onionman

    Onionman Well-Known Member

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    Schrödinger is pulled over by the Police for weaving down the road. The cop's a bit suspicious and asks if he can search the car. Schrödinger says, "No problem". The Policeman searches the car, returns to the window and says "Did you know there's a dead cat in the boot?". Schrödinger replies "Well, yes, there is now."

    Vin
     
    #19712
  13. Number 1 Jasper

    Number 1 Jasper Well-Known Member

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  14. Beef

    Beef Well-Known Member

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    Going to Rome in Jan, then the Carribean in June time.
     
    #19714
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2015
  15. TheSecondStain

    TheSecondStain Needs an early night

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    #19715
  16. fatletiss

    fatletiss Well-Known Member

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    Rome is amazing. How long you there for?
     
    #19716
  17. Beef

    Beef Well-Known Member

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    9 days . My mum wants me to pop the question to my girl haha.

    What places would you suggest? And what food?
     
    #19717
  18. tomw24

    tomw24 Well-Known Member
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    Rome is amazing like FLT says. They do pizzas without cheese. :)
     
    #19718
  19. TheSecondStain

    TheSecondStain Needs an early night

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    Saw this picture whilst reading an article about individuals feelings about the festive season. Domestic cats have that certain look that no other animals seem to be able to reproduce. Even bigger cats.

    please log in to view this image

    You just know there's a Bah Humbug about to be miaowed.!
     
    #19719
    Number 1 Jasper likes this.
  20. fatletiss

    fatletiss Well-Known Member

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    Yeah and it has one or two other good points too :emoticon-0112-wonde
     
    #19720

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