Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Oh god, Le Tissier has moved on to cancer now…

 

Why did you make me look lol.
He has really lost it.

 

A level? A hole level.

 

RIP Coolio
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-63070138

 

“I’m an educated fool with money on my mind” is one of the best lines in any song ever.

 

It's my wife's birthday next week and
she's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.

So I got her a magazine rack.

 

Johnny died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin with.
The Devil took Johnny to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Johnny said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.
They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Johnny also declined this form of torture.
The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. Johnny told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.
The Devil said, "Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!" Johnny assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said ... ...

"You can go now, I've found your replacement."

 

To the guy who invented zero...

Thanks for nothing.

 

Let's keep it positive.

 

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

 

Cluck and Collect?

 

If it's being delivered by Hermes, by the time it arrives both will be chickens.

 

A man was walking through a town one day when he passes a shop with a notice in the window.
The notice said.
“We sell everything”. The man could not believe this so he went inside.
He walked to the counter and asked the salesperson.
“Do you really sell everything?”
The salesperson said. “Yes, everything.”
Thinking this was too good to be true the man said.
“OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken?.”
The salesperson said.
“A jumper for a chicken? Hold on I will have to check the stock out the back.”
Five minutes later, the salesperson returned with a brown paper bag.
“Here you go, one jumper for a chicken.”
“How much?” Asked the man.
“Three quid.” Replied the salesperson.
“Three quid for a jumper for a chicken? Excellent.” Said the man.
So away he went. When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.
At the bottom of the bag was a condom.
He was mad and stormed back into the shop. He screamed at the salesperson.
“Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom what’s going on?”
The salesperson replied.
“Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock.”

 

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes."

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said. "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied. "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said. "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:

Please scroll down!

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen! Now run along and put the kettle on, ....

 

Sexist pig (Just in case my Mrs is reading this over my shoulder better to be safe than sorry)

 

On the subject of women this actually happened to me so you may need to take notice and not do what I did. My Mrs and I once had an argument and she threatened to hit me. All I said in reply Is You haven't got the guts. I'll let you fill in what happened next.