Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Padraig is walking past the barn and spots Shamus dressed as a Chippendale gyrating around a large Massey Ferguson...."What the feck are you up to Shamus" he says.

Shamus, red faced and perspiring says...."I have a fierce lust upon me for that new barmaid, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all. I went to the doctor to get some advice, and he told me to try doing something sexy to a tractor"

 

I tested positive for the need for a Vacation .

 

Good grief that underwater eruption was huge. It's generated a tsunami that hit Tonga and now Japan and the US are warning people to stay away from the coast.

 

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

 

Breaking News .....

In a shock move the English Cricket Board have announced Tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic has been appointed as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out"

 

Finally some good news...

 

People like that make me sick .

 

Came runner-up in an anagram competition after failing on the last one.
Oh well, there's no use crying over limp kilts.

 

Came very close to actually spitting out my coffee then!

 

During a routine tax inspection at a local hospital the visiting Inland Revenue inspector said he wished to audit the books. While the inspector was checking the entries on each page, he turned to the chief executive of the hospital and asked.... “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

The executive replied .... "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the inspector, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way...."What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question...."We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the executive...."Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Again, we do everything to minimise waste," answered the executive....“We save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

 

Rock sing Meatloaf has died
R. I. P legend

 

Four Catholic ladies are having brunch together. The first one tells her friends,

My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies,

“My son is a gorgeous, 6'3", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

 

Meat Loaf has died at 74. RIP

 

Beat me to it , great performer , and he was in the 51st state , one of my favourite films .

R.I.P

 

If we're having a race I beat the pair of you and I'm way out of condition