Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Bold of you!!! I could only manage an episode at a time. Takes it out of you, but it's extraordinary.

 

Not sure if anyone is interested but . If you have ever been to Bovington Tank museum, found out today that if you drive past the museum , Carry on through the camp and keep going , you come across a car park where you can see the tanks training . Also has 2 lovely walks .

My sister in law says best time to go is about 10am and 3pm .

 

My dad’s brother trained there before he was killed at El Alamein

 

I’m liking that for the info , not the fact your uncle lost his life .

 

Just got me a new job making chess pieces... im on knights next week.

 

I obviously never knew him, but my Gran never got over losing her eldest son, or not even being able to visit his grave. What was worse was her receiving his kit, including the uniform he had on when his tank was hit. It had maggots in it!

 

I started my career doing that then got my dream job as a pawn star.

 

I always wanted to be a queen but soon realised it would be a drag. I even had my name sorted: Cara Van Park.

 

Do you feel better now you've got that off your chess?

 

have you ever heard of this place ?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enham_Alamein

I used to work out that way when I was An engineer . All the homes( bungalows ) have access ramps , it may have changed as it is a few years ago . Sad but interesting imho .

 

Yes, I grew up in Andover, Enham Alamein was on the way to my mate's house so I used to cycle out that way a lot. It always reminded my dad of his brother of course.

 

Two 90 year old men, Fred and Albert, have been friends all of their lives. Unfortunately it became clear that Albert was dying, so Fred visited him every day.

"Albert, we have both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Do me a favour, please? When you get to Heaven, try to let me know if there's football there.".... Albert looks up at Fred from his death bed..."Fred, you've been my best friend for many years. Rest assured, if I can, I certainly will...."

Unfortunately Albert didn't last the night....

At midnight a couple of nights later, Fred is awakened from his sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him...."Hey Fred, wake up"...."Who is it?" asks Fred sitting up suddenly...."Who is it, it's me....Albert!"

"It can't be! You're not Albert, he just died." shouted Fred...."I'm telling you, it's me, it's Albert!" insists the voice...."Albert , where are you?" asked Fred...."I'm actually In heaven", replies Albert. "I have some really good news for you, and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first!" says Fred...."The good news," Albert says," is that there is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!"

"That's fantastic!" says Fred. "It's beyond my wildest dreams. So what's the bad news?"

"You're playing on Tuesday."

 

A little old lady was walking down the road dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every now and then a £20 note fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said...."Excuse me madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."..."Oh dear, really?....said the little old lady..."I had better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."...."Well now, hold on a minute." said the policeman.... " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back garden is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers get caught short and come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really annoy me and it kills the flowers. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, really quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, “OK mister, either give me £20 or I’ll cut it off with these shears”

"Well, that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing ."OK, good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

The World Ruler-Twanging and Onomatopoeia Championships will take place in the autumn, in the Dordogne.

 

The Mrs has left me because I'm too insecure....

No, wait, she's back....

She was just making a cup of tea....

 

How to Shower like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins, Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair, taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it’s all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red-hot.
Turn off shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of spots.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If husband seen cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and half getting dressed.


How to Shower like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife seen, shake willy at her while shouting “ Way Hey”
Look in the mirror and suck gut in to see your manly physique.
Admire size of willy in mirror, scratch bollox and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don’t bother to look for wash cloth! Don’t need one.
Wash face, wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower.
Wash bollox and surrounding area. Wash arse leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo.
Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Pee in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of willy again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab willy go “Yeah Baby” and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.