Just taken my Hawaiian pizza out of the oven. The wife said I should have had it on aloha temperature
A pirate ship was captured by Long John Silver and his crew. One captured pirate said excuse me Mr Silver but how did you lose your hand? Long John replies It was one of those things I was sword fighting on board my ship and somebody chopped my hand off. The pirate asks How did you lose your leg? Long John replies again it was one of those things I was sword fighting on board my ship and somebody pushed me overboard and a shark bit my leg off. The pirate asks how did you lose your eye? Long John replies A bird sh*t in it. The pirate said you can't lose you eye like that. Long John replies You bloody well can when you've got a hook.
Boris Johnson is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Boris is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: "Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: "We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now extremely troubled, Boris turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."