Dear Auntie Minxy, Just thought I'd send you an update as to how we are getting on on holiday, as I know how you would worry about me being away. On Friday we left to go to Norfolk. The weather was lousy all the way, until we got into Norwich. Then the rain stopped and the sun came out. Could it have been because the train passed the 'Hallowed Turf'? We got to the seaside about 3pm. By 3:30 we had dumped out cases and were out for our first walk along the prom. It looked gorgeous. When we walked back, we decided to have a proper seaside tea. On Saturday (that's yesterday ), we went for a walk around town and found our way to the market. We saw a great big fat pig being roasted - no I wasn't looking in a mirror. That was our breakfast sorted. We spent all afternoon on the beach. Maestroette didn't seem to feel any of the coldness of the sea, but I did. In fact, as the sea gently lapped around the top of my speedos, I was on the verge of getting out of the sea, but suddenly I 'found' a nice warm spot, so I stayed in. As I got out of the sea to go and get a cup of tea from the cafe, I received some wolf whistles and admiring glances from the over 60s coach party that were on a day trip. It seems that my speedos had turned transparent, and the old dears were admiring 'my view'. I had to quickly run up town and buy something that would be more suitable for the beach. This is me in my new beach gear. please log in to view this image Must go now Auntie Minxy as I have got to sit outside with a cuppa talent spotting Will write again soon and let you know what else happens. Your loving nephew Maestro xxx
Dear Nephew M Glad to hear you & little Miss M are having a lovely time. However I feel that I will need to have a word with your dear mother about the suitability of your attire, after all we don't want to have to involve the police again. The last incident left such a stain of the family's reputation that I can no longer leave the house in daylight & the therapy was extortionate Yours humbly, Auntie Minx
PS. Dearest Auntie Minxy, Forgot to tell you that I managed to get 3 pairs of grey socks and 3 pairs of white socks to go with my sandals for £4-00. Bargain eh? Have also tried to find one of those baseball caps that the youngsters wear. You know, the ones where the peak is at that back? But as of yet, I haven't managed to find anywhere that sells them yet.
Auntie Minxy, I need some help please. I went out for a dink and a game of darts with some old friends tonight. We had a *** break outside towards tghe end of the evening which is where I need your help. As it was a tad breezy, I had to shield the lighter with my hand. Unfortunately, I had just got a £10 note out in my hand to pay for the next round of drinks, and as I shielded the lighter with my hand, the £10 note caught fire and burned the serial number off. As my holiday insurance does not cover this kind of unfortunate mishap, could you please pay £10 into my account? If you find this hard to do, could you ask 'Grandpa Pete' if he could do it and I will send him a postcard tomorrow Your ever loving and ever sober nephew M xxxxxx
M Was horrified to learn that 1. You smoke 2. You frequent public houses 3. You were not in church on the sabbath The lost of £10 is obviously your punishment Please do not mention such thing to me again Auntie Minx
Hello Grandpa Pete, Today was nice and sunny, although it has just started to rain. it is a nice refreshing rain though, and hopefully might clear the air a bit. I was wondering if you could do me a small favour 'gramps'. Yesterday, I think I may have given auntie Minxy the wrong impression, and that I didn't attend church as it was a Sunday. Please could you vouch for me that I did indeed attend Church, and here is the photo. I am sure she would believe such a fine upstanding citizen as your good self Anyway, I had better tell you what else I did today. After shopping, myself and Maestroette came back to the flat. We had a bit of lunch and then we went down to the beach. Maestroette thought you might like to see the proof that I actually did go for a swim today in the sea, so here is the photo she took of me having a swim. Hope you are keeping well Grandpa Pete. Good luck in your next league game and hopefully a win will propel you in the play off places or higher Ooohhhhh. I nearly forgot to tell you. When we were on the beach today, there was a brief bit of excitement, as the lifeboat was called. It turns out somebody had seen a 'swimmer' in difficulty, and had called the coastguard, who in turn sent the call out for Sheringham lifeboat. The 'swimmer' turned out to be a dog who had gone for a paddle. Here is what was logged in their report The Sheringham Lifeboat was tasked by Humber Coastguard at 16.27 hrs to launch to a possible unidentified casualty seen swimming in the water quite a way offshore. As the Lifeboat prepared to launch Humber Coastguard asked the station to abort the launch and the crew were stood down. The casualty, which turned out to be a healthy Collie, thankfully self recovered and did not need our assistance. In the station documents the following light-hearted report was logged by the DLA:- Casualty Type Dog Type of casualty/Vessel Collie Reason for assistance Wet Underlying reason Very wet Activity of casualty Swimming Length of vessel 0.75 metres Port of Registry Leeds Mode of propulsion 4 feet High Water 17.30 @ 4.2 m @ Neap Tide Weather Sunny & dry with 2/8 cloud cover Viz Good @ 6-8 Miles Wind Westerly @ 6 knots
Dear Auntie P I also smoke and frequent public houses. I was passing a church today on the way back from the pub and thought I would drop in on passing... Shock, horror..but no it was not to repent my sins but I used the door way to shield my match to light my cigarette from the prevailing wind. However, a spark from the striking of the match burnt the Church down!...will I go to hell? Yours in need of help brb
Dear cousin Vic, I fear that dear old auntie Minxy might not believe me about being a good church going boy, so please could you tell her that I really am. This morning I went for a walk. I waved in front of the webcam, but I don't think anybody saw me Do you think I should keep trying to webcam kiwi and Lamballana? Anyway, on this walk I saw a lovely seagull. I'm not sure if it was plump breasted and called 'Speckled Jim', but by the time I got to it, he had flown off, so I had to make do with a bag of chips for tea tonight. Anyway cousin. After my walk, I decided to visit a few churches in town. Perhaps a word to our dear old maiden auntie, that I have indeed been visiting churches will put me back in her good books. Here are a few pictures of the churches that I visited and actually went into for a service. The Church of The Two Lifeboats. The Church of The Lobster The Church of 'The Crown' Have you noticed, dear cousin Vic, that at The Church of 'The Crown', they also have room for an open - air service? Here is a photo of the 'Open - air' alter. I did indeed bow before it, not only once but a few times. A couple for me, and a couple on your behalf as well. Open - Air Alter So cousin Vic. You can see I have been a good regular church goer on my holidays. If you could pass this on to our dear old auntie, it would be much appreciated. Best regards from sunny Norfolk, Your much younger cousin M
Well. First Cousin M, How very modern the Crown of Latter Day Saints is, having an outside Alter for Al Fresco baptisms. Enough room to invite the whole Community to share such a wonderful occasion . Please don't feel too pressured to get back into Aunties good books by frequenting too many houses of The Lord. One last thing Aunty asked me to pass on......as you are attending multiple prayer locations.....and surely will be leaving a generous donation at each collection plate........she will gladly top your bank account up , to replenish your funds ! Keep going M, you have truly found The Lord be with you..
Please thank her very much for me from the heart of my bottom. I look forward to being able to leave a donation from dear auntie in the collection plate next time
Dear M I believe you will be truly blessed by my generosity. Having seen you make such a miraculous change I felt compelled to make a charitable donation in your name, for other poor fellows who have not been as fortunate as you, to find way back to the light Your proud & loving Auntie Minx
Dear most favouritest and bestest Auntie Minxy, Would it be possible to make a 'charitable donation' in my bank account as opposed to my name please? Yours pleadingly Nephew M xx
My loving nephew You know that you will reap generous rewards in heaven, whatever else could you desire? Auntie Minx
Dearest youngest Auntie Minxy, I would rather reap rewards in the churches that I have visited so far, instead of waiting until I am dead. Besides, is there any guarantee that i will end up in heaven? And as for what else I would desire. I fear the answer might be too much for your delicate ears dearest Auntie. Your loving, adoring, idolising and skint nephew M xx
Dear second cousin thrice removed by marriage, divorce and death, Obi. I hope this postcard finds you in good health. As you have probably heard or guessed, I am enjoying my holiday in North Norfolk. The other day, myself and Maestroette did try to build a sandcastle in a vain attempt to try and beat the tide. I was a bit like Canute trying to turn the tide back.......Yes cousin Obi. I have spelt that correctly before you ask!!! I was also offered a quick spin in this lovely vehicle, but although I could have managed to squeeze in, there were serious doubts about whether I would be able to squeeze out again, so I had to decline on the grounds of health and safety. Not my health or my safety I hasten to add, but that of the watching town folk. I would have quite liked to have had a little go on one of these phutt phutt machines though. (For some reason, the 'phutt phutt' machine has disappeared to the bottom of this page as an attachment ) Today I did some shopping and went for a small walk to keep fit. During my walk, I happened to find a delightful market stall. As I was feeling peckish by this time, and I was in need of a small snackette, I decided to partake in one of their healthy breakfasts that they were advertising. I felt I had used up so much energy during my brisk walk, that I just had to have a little something else to replenish me. Tomorrow, I will see if my mankini fits me any better. If it does, then I will post a photo for you to see. Hope you and your are well oh cousin. Kindest seaside regards Your second cousin thrice removed by marriage, divorce and death.... M
Dear one of my bestest mates lamby, I hear on the grapevine that you were wondering if anyone had seen me since Saturday. I can assure you 'bff', that I alive and well and send you greetings from the Gem of the North Norfolk coast. I thought I would send you a postcard today to show you what great fun I have had today. Today I decided I would travel further afield than the beach, and see if I could go and watch the Ashes. I had been told that I would be able to 'pay on the gate' so to speak. I have to say, I was not overly impressed with the state of the pitch, and some of the players just didn't seem to 'turn up' today. The fielders just didn't seem to have any idea on how to cover the field. See what you think. I would value your opinion mate.
Dear Godfather 'Don' brb. Having been told that I really should get a life and get a hobby, I decided to look around and see what hobbies I might enjoy. I had heard that drain spotting was quite enjoyable.I was told that there were electric drains, diesel drains and steam drains. I couldn't see any of these. Despite having spent a great deal of time drain spotting, I just can't see the appeal of it. Maybe it will grow on me. Anyway, here are the photos I took. Maybe you can see something that I can't. Your Godson M View attachment 25372 View attachment 25373 View attachment 25374 View attachment 25375
