I spent my afternoon watching Bridge on the River Kwai and then summed it up later as "British troops build a bridge that the British blow up." Can anyone think of any other descriptions of films that trivialise them or just make them sound funny?
Memento - a man, with short term memory amnesia, gives himself a cryptic tattoo to allow him to figure out that he has to kill a man he had an argument with.
Not a film, but Lost: A load of people survive a plane crash, spend 8 years surviving on an island, then find out none of it really happened because they actually died in the crash.
This isn't exactly what your looking for Matt, but it is slightly amusing nonetheless.. Things that only happen in movies: When paying for a taxi, do not look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode. Protaganist can always find inspiration/motivation for the big challenge from dead best friends or dead family members. Single parents usually lose their spouse to cancer (and they're still not over it). James Bond never gets an STI. Dogs and children know immediately that someone is the bad guy. Good guys never get shot in the face and no matter how grievously injured, always live long enough to say a few words. No matter how pointless to the plot, the male and female leads will have to have a bedroom scene. All gratings covering the entry to a ventilation system will come off with only a tug (no screws), and the shaft is always horizontal and big enough for adults to crawl through. Any group of pathetically inept losers with a boozy but lovable old coach will eventually win the sports championship. No one ever forgets a telephone number, even if it was only communicated in the middle of a gunfight or car chase. At least one scientist is from an oriental background. People hack into computers by incessantly typing on the keyboard. Even though they don't appear to be working in DOS mode, they never use the mouse. Sadistic killers are also witty stand-up comedians specialising in one-liners. Bombs are always defused within the last three seconds, never at twelve or twenty seven. A 'hunch' is always correct. When someone steals a car, the drivers seat is always in the correct position. Any fight at a wedding reception will always result in someone crashing into the wedding cake. There is always a gun in reach when you fall onto the ground. When the hero is running and the bad guys are shooting at him with a machine gun, the bullets will consistently hit the ground just behind his feet. This is because it's impossible to swivel a machine gun as quickly as the hero is running. In car chases the hero car just avoids the woman pushing the pram across the road. Then it crashes through lots of market stalls (usually fruit and vegetable stalls), destroying the livelihoods of perfectly innocent hard-working people but never actually killing any of them. A scrapbook, containing all the villain's crimes and killings, is always stumbled across by the hero, typically under a bare lightbulb in the killer's basement. When the lead detective has a meeting with his team, it is always productive and completed in seconds or minutes. Every one contributes vital pieces of information and the conversation flows flawlessly with everyone possessing super intelligence and quick thinking abilities. Passengers always exit the taxicab and then pay the driver through his window. Just as the hero and villains fight ends, with the hero winning, about a dozen police cars show up. When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks. Whenever anyone receives a phone call in the middle of the night, it's always 2, 3 or 4am. Exactly. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. Getaway cars never start first time. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene). If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags. Cars never need fuel (unless they are involved in a pursuit). If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing parade. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who do not mind at all what the girl does for a living. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. In all martial art movies the hero can beat up 30 ninjas and martial art masters in 5 minutes. But if he smart mouths to his 100 year old grandma, she has the speed to slap him.
American Pie - teenagers have sex and graduate from high school American Beauty - middle class America suffers a mid-life crisis Loser - school spanner dates beauty queen Sugar and Spice - cheerleaders rob supermarket and find happiness
The Matrix/ Matrix Reloaded/ Matrix the other one.....6 hours of pretentious **** Cloud Atlas - more complete bollocks from the same directors The Godfather Trilogy - a small Italian- American business develops over 4 decades In Bruges - two Irishmen's visit to the medieval city is ruined by their boss, a racist dwarf and some manky hookers Apocalypse Now - a river trip in Vietnam ends in trouble Aguirre, Wrath of God - a river trip in South America ends in trouble MASH - some doctors play golf and drink martini during the Korean War Withnail and I - two unemployed actors go on holiday by mistake
