A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
Went to our local bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "****phile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
A lad goes for a job in a general store, the boss says let me show u the art of selling. A customer comes in and asks for a packet of grass seed, the shop keeper says ok sir would you also like to buy a lawn mower, when the grass grows u will need one. The customer says thanks very much I never thought of that. The customer leaves having spent £200 and the boss turns to the lad, and says now that is how it is done. The next customer is yours, a man walks in and says to the boy I would like a packet of regular tampax for my wife. The boy replies ok sir and would u also like to buy a lawn mower? The man says why would I want a lawn mower! The Boy replies - Well your wkend's ****ed, you might as well cut the grass!
Paddy goes on a 1st aid course, the instructor asks him what would you do if your child swallowed the front door key? Paddy said i'd climb through the window.
The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are: 1. Doctor. 2. Dentist 3. Coal man. 4. Decorator. 5. Bank manager. A Doctor says to take off your clothes. A Dentist says open wide. A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?" A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?" A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!
A boy comes home from school at 7pm, his dad says "Where were you?" "I was with Jessica" he replies. " What were you doing?" "We were revising" he says. After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely". Dad replies "Wash your hands son, they're donuts."
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu (Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They're supposed to help solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A man walks into a pet store and sees 3 monkeys for sale, the first for £5,000, the second for £10,000 and the third for £50,000. “Wow,” he exclaims, “why are these monkeys so expensive?” “Well” explains the pet store owner “these monkeys are quite special, the one for £5,000 will clean the house or office for you, make tea and all you need to do is feed him bananas.” “That’s very impressive,” he says, “but what about the others?” “The one for £10,000 over there can type at 100 words per minute in 3 different languages, as well as organize and maintain databases and spreadsheets and all you have to do is feed him bananas.” “That’s incredible, what about the last one?” “We’re not sure about him yet” explains the store owner, “he just keeps handing out business cards saying he’s a consultant.”
Qualifying for Heaven Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer.[NSFW]"Name them."[/NSFW]
