optomistic, unrealistic deadline day thread

To distract from the depression session thats taken hold recently lets have a bit of a fun thread. I'm looking for your absolutely ideal signing, how much MA would be paying for them and maybe any deadline day drama involved.
Try not to all say Messi!

Eg. Newcastle have prised van Persie from Arsenal! It is reported that a swap deal for Nile Ranger and a frozen chicken has been agreed. Arsene Wenger is quoted as saying 'Nile eez a good young player who fits well into our vision for the club. The frozen chicken will also be a marked improvement over Arshavin!'

A prize goes to anyone who's outrageous guess turns out to be right!

 

The chicken is a damn sight more useful than Ranger. We could feed it to the Ox, make him bigger and stronger.

 

James Perch to Hull

Emile Heskey to Sunderland

Vertonghen to NUFC

Ashley Cole to NUFC. Can't stand him but he's one of the best LBs in the world.

 

"In shock transfer news today, Arsenal have announced the signings of Sammy and Shola Ameobi. Nobody can understand why though. Arsene Wenger was quoted as saying "Shola's hats bring real quality to the dressing room, and can help to inspire those who wear them. Sammy is a player of quality, who can provide competition for places, but he too must wear a hat." Others in the media are skeptical though, suggesting the signing was merely a ploy to expand further into the fashion market, after the shock success of the Dench brand, started by Emmanuel Frimpong. We all know Gazidis loves a marketing gig, look at the Park signing. This reporter doesn't wish to jump to conclusions though "

Sorry, i'm tired, i'm normally better than this.

 

Ashley rang Lille chairman about availability of Joe Cole.

MA " Would you consider a swap .....Shola for Cole?"
Lille chairman " OK. How many bags?"

 

Alan Pardew unveiled two new signings hours before the end of the transfer window.

Joe Cole and Ashley Cole were shown off to the waiting press.

Pardew admitted they had hoped to unveil the players earlier but there had been a delay in getting the deal done because James Perch, the versatile Newcastle United player had to carry Coles to Newcastle due to a broken down train just outside Kings Cross on Monday afternoon.

 

Krul, very Krul.

 

Perch to Sunderland with Sessegnon and Larsson moving in the opposite direction.

 

Even less cover at centre back, I like it.

 

Sessegnon and Larsson and how much cash?

 

Pardew hints at transfer warning:

When asked if there were any additional incomings, Pardew deflected talk by admitting he didn't want the media to ruminate.

"Lille be honest with you" Pardew smiled. "I don't want you to hazard a guess as it only raises expectations that may or may not be met. At the eden the day, you may have a story or you may not."

 

So..... it's Heskey then?

 

Well, it's all extremely unlikely, so whilst Elia and Vertonghen represent a lack of realism, maybe Zaha and Mbiwa are not outside of the realms of possibility.

Mariappa would be extremely underwhelming. A poor man's Perch? Non, merci.

 

.

 

Now arsenal are interested. According to the sun. "While Watford are demanding £4million, they will accept just over £2m". How would the sun know that? Is the entire transfer industry based on a deal or no deal theme with Noel Edmunds skipping round the stadiums.

 

£30 million to us .

 

Andy Carroll returning with his tail between his legs after admitting he made a mistake and accepting reduced pay, Liverpool would only ask for 'the next Carroll' in return, Nile Ranger.

Also, Taylor to finally admit he faked an injury to avoid spending time with Colo as it was making him ask serious questions about his sexuality but he's come to the conclusion that he's out and proud and ready to play again. Also he now has robotic legs.

 

Kevin Davies to Sunderland, that would be a hilarious example of how much they are failing in the transfer market.




Oh, hang on

 

I really think Kevin Davies should turn down Sunderland (and I don't just mean to wind up the Mackems), he's a Bolton legend and at 34 what is he really going to achieve at Sunderland? Retiring a cult hero would be much better than being forgotten on a bench and becoming another 'I wonder what ever happened to...'

 

True, I'd imagine Bolton fans would be sad to see him go, but hey, he may be just what the mackems need to beat the might of the Smoggies!