This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."
I'll tell our lass this one when the adverts come on..I dare not interupt her when she is watching a film..
One thing about our lass is that she has no interest in any of the soap operas...But once she is watching a film that she is into I just know to keep me gob shut..
i just got this one sent to me today After landing at Newcastle Airport the captain forgets to turn off the intercom! The co-pilot asks "Wot ya deein later mate?" The pilot replies, "first thing al dee is gan for a ****e! then al shag the arse off that blond stewardess. The Stewardess hears this & runs to the cockpit to confront him, on the way she trips over an old womans foot who helps her back up and says ''Tack ya time pet, he's gannin for a ****e first..!
The blonde in question,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I MARRIED HER............................and just look at ne now.
A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full." "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!
The following questions were set in various papers in last year's GCSE examinations. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed (eventually). Q. Name the four seasons. A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans? A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'. A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning> A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant) Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
Genine story. Talking to my 11yo granddaughter about famlous people and asked what Abraham Lincoln was best known for. Reply: Was he the one shot by Adolph Hitler?
