The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe; 2. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.-- Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said "Never mind, I found one". A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says "How do you know?" He says "Well, the sex is about the same, but the ironing's piling up!-- There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf.One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch". Some years ago, a Black Watch Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton handkerchief, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "Hoo much tae repair it?" The Scot asks the chemist. "Sixpence," says the chemist. "Hoo much fur a new ane?" "A shilling'," says the chemist. The soldier painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton hankie, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The soldier marches back into the chemist's, this time with a grin on his face."The regimentâs ta'en a vote," he says, "We'll hae a new ane." When the paramedics arrived at the Beverly Hilton, they said "It'sHouston we have a problem". I get irritated when people come down on our police officers saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in theClyde near Govan. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption while visiting 'someone' in the area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and a Rangers football shirt. The police removed the shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.See, our police do care!-- Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their stout and roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad," says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died." Big blanks, are deletions, because I dont want to upset anyone who has no sense of humour, What the **** happened to freedom of speech, if you want the other jokes. PM me. BILLOFENGLAND. --
A 93 year old man is sat on the curb crying, a passerby asks "what's up?" The old man moans " I'm 93, married to a 21yr old Swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast, once before lunch, three times after tea and sucks me off twice again at night" The passerby says "what's the problem?" The old man replies "I can't ****ing remember where I live"
The owld ones are Realy the best. Little boy sat on the kerb, crying his eyes out. copper says " why are you crying" little boy says " lost me mum" copper says" whats she like" boy says "GUINESS AND COCK"
Bill you have made my night , great post loved the jokes, just wish i had the pleasure of your company in person, keep em coming mate a 5 star from me.
Great news lads. Scientists have actually found where a woman's "G" spot actually is! The end of shopping!
Sid. "Doctor I can't stop singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home' !" Dr. "Ah yes! That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome!" Sid. "Wow! Is that common?" DR. "It's not unusual!"
Sat on the verandah on a lovely sunset evening last night with a beer and the wife joined me with her wine. Took ten minutes but she sighed and said "what would I do without you. I was taken aback but said "that you or the wine talking". She says "that's me talking to the wine".
Proof that Jesus really was a Geordie. He never got married. He never held down a steady job. His last request was a drink. He was always in trouble with the authorities. His Mother didn't know who the father was. He had no permanent address. No one would employ him. He invented a new religion. He lived at home till he was in his thirties.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, âI cannot accept money from you , Iâm doing community service this week.â The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a âthank youâ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, âI cannot accept money from you , Iâm doing community service this week.â The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a âthank youâ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Geordie came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, âI can not accept money from you. Iâm doing community service this week.â The Geordie was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Geordies lined up waiting for a free haircut.
