Amish Sex An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.. He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold .' The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed his nose. The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?' The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!
Importent Message From The Bar Staff Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards and forwards, it keeps us fit. When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back & forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but hey, that's not your problem!) Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting, we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest. Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up. Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it's all in change in a puddle of beer. Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack. Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for crisps, nuts, snacks etc. When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn the stock. If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our toes as we have no concept of time. Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake - we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past eleven when we have turned the lights off. If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout ' what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times before we never cease to find it hilarious. When buying a pint for Tom, Colin etc. please don't ask them what they want - just tell us their name and point out where they're standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.
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A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. A couple of minutes later, the bartender sees the guy talking to his hand. Not wanting any of his other customers to beat this guy up, the bartender walks over and tells the guy to stop talking to his hand. "But I got a cell phone implanted in my hand, bartender!" Sure enough, the guy has a phone implanted in his hand. "Well, put it away before you get beaten up," says the bartender. This guy finishes his drink and goes to the washroom. When he doesn't come out, the bartender gets worried and goes looking for this guy. He finds him in the washroom with a toilet paper roll shoved up his ass. "I told you," says the bartender. "Oh, I'm fine," says the guy, "just waiting for a fax!"
