O/T Top 50 Funniest one liners??

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...y-Gervais-Russell-Brand-Peter-Kay-liners.html

The top 50 jokes that are sure to split your sides
Surprise: Rowan Atkinson featured for two of his gags in Blackadder Goes Forth
Surprise: Rowan Atkinson featured for two of his gags in Blackadder Goes Forth
1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay
2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper
3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper
4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay
5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop
6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson
7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin
8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin
9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson
10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine
11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray
Crisps: Russell Brand's dry observation on the human body saw him make it onto the list
Crisps: Russell Brand's dry observation on the human body saw him make it onto the list
12. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin
13. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative - Ricky Gervais
14. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill
15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper
16. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy - Tommy Cooper
17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run - Milton Jones
18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell
19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato - Will Ferrell
20. Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin
21. I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20’s and I’ve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop
22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin
23. My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business - Will Ferrell
24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine - Bill Bailey
Superstar: Hollywood's Steve Martin found himself in the top 10
Superstar: Hollywood's Steve Martin found himself in the top 10
25. Bob Geldof...no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years - Russell Brand
26. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin
27. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil - Unknown Origin
28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips
29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' - Peter Kay
30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’...1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre
31. I’m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey
32. So I said to a Scotsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’ - Unknown Origin
33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any - Tommy Cooper
34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine
35. My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican
36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips
37. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin
38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper
39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic - Unknown Origin
40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall
41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin
King of the Road-show: Many of the comics have appeared on Michael McIntyre's Roadshow
King of the Road-show: Many of the comics have appeared on Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow
42. How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart
43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand
44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis
45. A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack
46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin
47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin
48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin
49. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever - Milton Jones
50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh


Not sure about some of them, especially that odious unfunny **** Russell Brand

 

Needs some Groucho Marx.

 

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

 

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know.

 

On his death bed my grandfather said to me 'you selfish boy'. So I became a fishmonger.

I fell in love with a clumsy cleaner. She swept me off my feet.

French people hate going to Disneyworld. Everytime the fireworks go off they start to surrender.

 

What's thr first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your drive.

 

Walter Matthau:

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Eighty percent of the people in the world are fools and the rest of us are in danger of contamination.

This quitting thing, it's a hard habit to break once you start

I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I`m delighted when she gets to it.

 

Tim Vine

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."


So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

 

He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot, but don't let that fool you - he really is an idiot.

 

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed hasn't he Percy?

Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick. You'll be washing phlem out of your hair for a week.

Captain Darling "Nice try but I wasn't born yesterday".
Captain Blackadder "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from Scratch".

 

Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?"
Jim: "No. We can still see your face."

 

Tommy Cooper and Tim Vine are the undisputed kings of the one liner in my opinion.

Went into the pet shop and said "I'd like to buy a wasp", the owner said "we don't sell wasps" so I said "well you've got one in the window"

 

Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

'Im a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

Stewart Francis

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

 

I agree the Tommy cooper one below cracks me up every time I hear it.

3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper

 

We have the best manager in the league and now Sven can bring his own players in with our billions we will definitely piss the league - AKCJ/Proud Fox/John Phallus/Danger Fox/Walsh No.5/Lesta Gangsta etc. Along with every Leicester fan I know in person.

 

And the winner is

 

Now that is the funniest one liner I have heard.

 

Jack Benny:

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air.

 

Stewart Francis

I went to the book store. I said "I'm looking for a book called 'How to cope with rejection without killing', do you have it?"