Tesco clubcard vouchers came today (£6.50) so I am going to go and get some provisions. I am not driving, as you just do not get a space on a Saturday afternoon in that wretched car park. I live close, so by foot it will be. Normally, I would be able to fleet-footedly skip between all the dawdling pensioners, ignorant teenagers and wide load disability scooter types, but today I have been on a very long run. And I am ****ed. It could be a long operation, fraught with frustrations and physical limitations (my legs and feet are rallying against me now as I sit) and I can't trust myself not to get mad. I can see the main problems occurring in St Stephens were that new doughnut place has opened, right in the middle of the ****ing path, swamped by fatties who can't get enough saturated fats. If I am going to resort to violence, it will be here. It is a ticking time bomb of lard, sucking in the spare space as if it were an obese child with its limbs tied up, and a Crispy Creme custard doughnut placed just centimetres from its rabid face, desperately trying to suck the ****er into that black piehole. I am often at a loss with humanity, and I can already see the carnage ahead of me (metaphorically, not physically. I can't see through buildings, contrary to popular belief). Wish me luck.
good luck, if it all kicks off take out the biggest fattest doughnut quaffer,- the king of the quaffers...and his followers will fall!
Depends on what provisions you're after. If it's the now legendary stubbies then fair play. If it's something more mundane go elsewhere. If you're adamant it has to be Tesco's then a simple diversionary tactic could be used. Example. As you approach all the 'go lightly's ' simply shout " Oi fatso ". Every single one of 'em turns around to see who's shouted at them. You then proceed to pull out a large pork pie, or other high calorific product with 'roll' capability. A Swiss roll maybe, I'll leave that up to you. The more theatrical the production of said product the better. You then deploy said product, rolling it AWAY from your designated route. As the masses stampede( which invariably they will) after the free scoff on offer you take a deep breath in the satisfaction of a job well done and leisurely stroll onwards. Your path as clear as a bell. In fact you could use a pack of baby bells( not sure of the spelling) that just came to me. It's a work in progress. This process will have to be repeated on the return leg. Upstairs for thinking, downstairs for dancing.
Cant fault this but one I've always found helpful with our big boned friends is: May Sum puts the prices up at 5:30.
Patent it, quick. It had to be Tesco unfortunately, as they'd given me £6.50 of vouchers to spend. Plus some other ones of very slight savings here and there. I am back! In one piece, and now cooling down. It was traumatic in places, and Krispy Kremes does have a lot to answer for. Staff all over the already reduced walkway, handing out flyers and trying to tempt you into their downward spiral of fatness and misery. This caused bottlenecking. Annoying. 'Death Metal Dave' from work was in there, for once not summoning up the devil, but eating a doughnut. I noted to myself how ridiculous he looked (long hair, big beard, death metal t-shirt, angry-at-the-world expression...jam on face), and walked on. Got through it anyway, provisions bought. I got some big Stellas this time as my vouchers allowed me extra points that way (I'm such a slave to the man) but I did notice that the stubbies have changed! No longer 'Biere Speciale' they are now 'Biere Do'r'. So clearly, these will have to be sampled at some point. My legs were threatening to give up the ghost completely at the start, but after getting the old hinges going a bit I was able to cut my usual swathe through the crowds. And talking of the crowds, by my calculations, around 78% of them were teenage girls with Union Jack design skintight pants, huge Russell Brand hair, and enormous bushy eyebrows. What is it about that look? Minging, basically. So that's that. Time for more coffee.
Fatness related misery, nah. This is how I see it. More thin ****ers die world wide than fat buggers. In fact being obese is easy. I am obese because I weigh too much, but I have a higher than average muscle to body fat ratio. My blood pressure is 142/92 so it is slightly up. My gym is full of fitness freaks who have never done a hard days work in their life, they drive to the gym and then go on a treadmill! I asked a bloke who was in training what he had I his rucksack and he said 10kg of sand. Well I carry more than that is excess fat all day long, so how does that work?
I can empathise with most of your rant but the bit about dawdling pensioners has hit a raw nerve, when you have been run ragged for over 60 years then maybe you will dawdle a little. In the meantime enjoy your (relative) youth because some day believe me you will be a dawdling pensioner, if you can still dawdle at pensionable age that is. Oh and you might just be in one of those wide load disability scooters you mentioned but there again you will be able to load up with cans, bottles or whatever floats your boat in the alcoholic department. Just puzzles me why (in your light hearted rant) you choose to even contemplate St Stephens when you could take the Londesbourough St route, across Argyle St onto the footbridge over the railway and then onto KC, do 3 circumferences around KC anti-clockwise then 3 clockwise and then back again, leave St Stephens to the Krispy Krem (Captain Kremen) brigade. Then at 7pm go for your provisions, simples.
Party, you need to try the stubbies from lidl, £3.04 for ten, 4.8% and they don't taste half bad. They are called brasserie too which sounds a bit like ladies underwear
