I'll kick off with: There was a young lady called Hilda Went out on a date with a builder She asked if he would He said that he could And he did - and he nigh on killed 'er
There once was a copper called Ged. He had a very empty head. He thought he was bright but then he spoke sh*te Promotion?-best stay in bed Working on another one but cannot think of any 4 letter word rhyming with cab or crab or worthless
On the bridge stood the vicar of Buckingham Thinking of soft tits, and sucking 'em And he sighed at the stunts Of the c**** in the punts And the tricks of the p***** that were f****** 'em
Not really a limerick but: I took me girl a' fishin'. A' Fishin' on a punt. Cast out me line and cought her by the ... County girls are pretty. You lay 'em in the grass. Start off at their ankles and end up at their ... Aunty Mary had a canary. She also had a duck. She put 'em on the mantle piece and taught 'em how to ... Fried eggs for breakfast. Fried eggs for tea. The more you eat, the more you drink, the more you wanna ... Peter had a boat. The boat began to rock, Then out jumped a shark and bit off his ... Cockle-doodle-do. It's nothing to do with you. Leave me alone. Play with your own and paddle your own canoe. OI !
There was a young woman from Ealing Who had a peculiar feeling She lay on her back And opened her crack And pissed all over the ceiling
Here's a little word play on Lime Rick Who smothered the said fruit on his d*ck When asked 'does it pong' He replied 'It's not strong' 'It just makes it better to lick'
An old fellow from North Cave Kept a dead whore in a cave He said: "I admit, It's a bit of a ****, But think of the money I save!"
There was an old racist on CI Who left cos Dutch made him cry Now we're stuck with the prick His views make us sick Wish he'd just **** off n die!
There once was a flathead at Hull Whose manner was terribly dull. So to Leicester he went and their money he spent. Then he shat on their heads like a gull.
There was a young man named Rick Whose hands were always on his dick But the pressure is mounting With his exams for accounting Maybe his girl friend will give it a lick?
There was a woman from Horton, Who had a long tit and a short un, And on top of that, She'd a bloody great twat, And a fart like a 500 Norton
There was a man from Gosham, Who took out his balls to wash em, His wife said, 'Jack', If you don't put them back, I'll sit on the bastards and squash em
Andy King’s Crown Jewels was he. Just a fair-weather wummer you see. When the going got tough he soon had enough. You’re not so loud now … eh Andy?
There was a dull bastard named Nigel Who left us to manage our rivals We went up the league They fell to their knees Now the Foxes all feel suicidal
A young lady who was named Felicity Took on the whole of Leicester City Those sneaky old foxes They ticked all her boxes Now her knickers have no elasticity
There was a young lady called Gloria who was had by Sir Gerald D'mauria and then by six men and Sir Gerald again And the band at the Waldorf Astoria. Collecting limericks(clean ones) was once a hobby of mine. I got to two hundred over. I was in my teens but I could still quote a few, even today.
