Newcastle Unighted v. Swansea Sitty

I was in the pub with my mate Darren last night and we was discussing the Newcastle game on Saturday. Darren is ‘in the no’ like and he says that Brendan Rodgers (he’s the Swansea manager) has been up in mid-Wales this week scouting for a top quality Border Collie. He’s also signed up actor Sean Penn and MOTD pundit Alan Shearer on emergency loans. His plan is to get the sheepdog to round up Baa and drive him into the Penn where Shearer will give him a good clipping. It’s nice to see our manager thinking outside the box, like.

Darren also says that Rodgers is going to hang up lots of silver foil from the Swansea dugout. The magpies will get distracted by these bright, shiny objects and wander off towards the touchline leaving the Swans to go up the pitch and stick the ball in an empty net. If that works I reckon this could be a really high-scoring game, maybe Newcastle 0 Swansea 31, or if we can get the ball back to the centre circle very quickly then maybe Newcastle 0 Swansea 37 or 38. I tell you – Brendan is a jeenious!!

I like the Jawdees a lot, there very friendly people. I was up there last month with the Swansea State Circus (my job is the human cannonball). They have good stuff like Newcastle Brown Ale, the Great North Run, Hadrians Wall and the Byker wall. They have crazy road names like Two Ball Lonnen and everyone calls you pet. If you ask a Jawdee a question they always say ‘Ar-divver-nah-mun’.

e.g. ‘How do I get to St James Park?’….‘Ar-divver-nah-mun’
‘Can I get an acrobat at short notice from the local job centre?’ ….‘Ar-divver-nah-mun’
‘What’s your name then?’ ….‘Ar-divver-nah-mun’
(The german woman who trains the performing dogs, Kay Nein, says it means ‘I don’t know mate’)

Akchewally, I had a nasty experience up in the north-east. Kay Nein sent me out to get some tins of dog food and some dog biscuits, so I went to Pets at Home and asked for a can of Lassie with biscuits. But the shop assistant didn’t understand my accent and rang the police who arrested me. She thought I’d asked for a canny lass with big tits.

Anyway, a merry chrissmuss to all Jacks and Jawdees wherever you are.

 

Don't quit your day job mate.

 

I'm scared.

 

This is the kind of random thing someone would write if they were heavily influenced by psychedelic drugs.

 

You what now?

 

He's been staring at my signature for too long it seems.

 

why have you intentionally misspelled words? is it an additional failed attempt at humour?

 

brilliant Mr

 

Shight.

 

That's 2 minutes of my life I'll never get back

 

Help

 

Lay off the guy, it's funnier and more interesting than most of the ****e that gets posted on here, though that's not really saying much.

 

hahaha wot append 2 da jawdees sence of humore$

 

Gone to the same place as your grasp of the English language?

 

Funny what the job centre ask you to do these days to show your trying.

 

There's no problem with my english mr grumpy(or should that be mr meldrew?)

 

Try walking backwards for two minutes, that might help.

 

I finks dat twas der best artycle iv red for a loonngg time...

On a serious note i dont see us getting much from this game, will be really happy if we scrape a point ,Newcastle have been the suprise team this season and the signing of Ba was an inspired one. Im not sure how we are going to deal with him,everytime he strikes for goal he seems to score!!

If the Swans start well then it will be a close game if we start like we did against Norwich and Blackburn it could be a long afternoon in the Toon !!

At least its a great place to go out and have a drink afterwards no matter what the result, i like the Geordies, worked with loads of them and always had a cracking laugh,good bunch of lads Im fancying more chance of us getting something from Everton than Newcastle TBH.