Off Topic New Reality TV formats.....

Just got back from the doctor/pharmacy to sort out my daughter's persistent cough, which is life threatening to her as I will be forced to strangle her soon, to put her out of my misery. In the pharmacy we started diagnosing other people picking up prescriptions based on bits of overheard conversations with the chemist, age, body shape, general demeanour etc. Nailed one poor bloke as bipolar (late middle aged, overweight, unclean, no expression, needs a blood test before getting next prescription).

Great fun, and as a result we will be copyrighting the "Amateur Eavesdropping Pharmacy Diagnosis -Live!' format. Any other ideas for new shows that don't involve bad singing? I quite fancy "F-List Celebrity Tyre Change" where celebrities (in their own heads) work for a day at KwikFit, starting with Shaun Wright Phillips. Or "Anti-social dog owner spotters" where kids earn cash for sweets or drugs by spotting dog owners who let their pets foul the footpath and don't pick it up. The owners are treated to six tons of dog **** being dumped in their living room. What about "The Only Way is Chelsea Supporter" where we follow the day to day lives of ordinary Chelsea supporters mostly on their country estates and tax havens, but sometimes beating people up and chanting racist crap on tube trains.

 

And now on 5, "Pro-Celebrity Dogging". This week's celebrities are John McCririck and Denise Welch.

 

Next week Eamon Holmes and Queen Latifa

Welcome Back.

 

Premise: You get last year's Celebrity Big Brother contestants into the jungle for an extreme survival event. They are lured by the offer of a tabloid serialisation of a ghost written book.

Instead of Ray Mears and Bear Grylls, they just get satellite linked guidance off Sergei, the pseudo-Russian merekat and Yogi Bear. When it all gets too much they scream the words "I have never been a celebrity and I promise never to appear in the public eye again!" At this stage, Internationas Rescue is despatched only it's actually another team of celebrities trained on the books of Biggles.

As Vanessa Feltz tries to steady the helicopter, you have a team of Loose Women panelists shouting words of encouragement to Sinita as she shows her general reluctance to scale the rope down to save the desperate and battles motion sickness. Viewers can then place bets on which of the stranded z-listers gets most coated in vomit.

Title: Chunderbirds Are Go.

 

"Fry's Turkish Delights"

Popular TV host Stephen Fry visits the docks in Ankara and Istanbul...

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"Extreme Orthopaedics with Harry Redknapp" Join everyone's favourite wheeler dealer as he visits the world's top orthopaedic surgeons for consultations on his mystery knee complaint. Harry updates us from his car window and the nearest golf course on the news from the latest top doc that there is nothing wrong with his knees.

 

"Who's Clyne is it Anyway?" Nathaniel Clyne is put up for adoption and various celebrity couples, including Elton John and David Furnish, Richard and Judy and Tony and Cherie Blair take part in a series of challenges to see who will own him forever.

"Gus Poyet's Dirty Protest" Join the chirpy Uruguayan on his epic quest to take a **** in the dressing rooms of all 92 league clubs.

"Pope on a Rope" Bear Grylls supervises the preliminaries for the next Pope vote, weeding out cardinals by dangling them over a chasm while they are tested on doctrinal issues. Three consecutive wrong answers and they get to put their trust in God!

 

"All New Wife SWP"

Shaun gets to spend a week cleaning, cooking and ironing for an obese unemployed drunk in Glasgow, whilst QPR take delivery of a thirty-eight year old woman who is far better at putting balls into the box...

 

I think rumour has it that Stan Collymore might be the champion here.

 

With the loser dressing up as Amy Winehouse and being put on a pyre on Sheppards Bush Green.

 

The Bony Way is Essex - A travelogue presented by Wilfried Bony as he tours the county armed with nothing but a phrasebook and a can of mace.

 

Are You Being Served?

Various celebrities find new and ingenious ways to hand summons and divorce notifications to Bernie Ecclestone.

 

Paint It Black - Steve Black does odd jobs for Mr Miyagi in an attempt to learn Eastern wisdom.

 

"Big Brother" in which Gary shows Phil how to be a proper football pundit.

 

Once Upon a Time in the Wests - In a twist on the American frontier shows, a group of celebrities must come to terms with life in the 1970s in the house of the notorious Wests. Guest serial killers appear each week (plus new celebrities).