My Application For Southampton CEO Job

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Thursday 16th January 2014

Reference: Chief Executive Officer Position

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to express my interest in the position of Chief Executive Officer at Southampton Football Club. I feel that I am the outstanding candidate to replace the outgoing Nicola Cortese.

My achievements on FIFA 14 are second to none. In my first season I oversaw a top 8 finish whilst rejecting the advances of several so-called ‘bigger clubs’ for key players such as Adam Lallana and Luke Shaw.

During the summer transfer window I reluctantly sold Rickie Lambert to AS Monaco for £8m. Some fans were naturally disappointed however this represented a cool £7m profit on a player who was certainly at the peak of his career. I also oversaw the transfer of the underwhelming Gaston Ramirez to Fiorentina. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to command much of a transfer fee, but if the truth be told I would have settled for £5 and a packet of Rich Tea biscuits. It did however free up significant funds in the wage budget for reinvestment.

I allayed the Southampton fans’ fears by reinvesting this money into the squad, sticking to the clubs ethos of investing in young talent. I conducted my business quickly, quietly and efficiently, ‘the Southampton way’.

I personally oversaw the conclusion of the transfers of Blackpool’s Tom Ince, West Brom’s Saido Berahino and Blackburn’s Jordan Rhodes all of whom then flourished under the expert guidance of Europe’s best young manager, Mauricio Pochettino.

Having worked closely with Mauricio and a sports psychologist I also managed to convince club-record signing Dani Osvaldo to stop punching opposing goalkeeper coaches and concentrate on putting the ball in the big white thing with two posts and a crossbar.

Mauricio subsequently then led us to a top 6 finish in the Barclays Premier League in just my second season, with Osvaldo scoring 22 goals.

Much like Mr Cortese I too have some clear goals for the future. I’ve listed a few of these below:

 Firstly I’d like to rename the Kingsland Stand the ‘Guly Do Prado Stand’ after the single most influential player in Southampton FC history.
 I would also be keen to upgrade the stadium PA system so that people can actually decipher the individual player’s names when the team is announced.
 I would also like to install vibrating seats in the Chapel end to make sure that supporters there don’t fall asleep during games. (It’s always hard to be sure when they don’t make a peep of noise for 90 minutes)

I hope you can see the undoubted potential in me. I fully understand the need for success both on and off the pitch and I hope you can see that I have set clear objectives to ensure that we jointly realise these goals. I am certain that I would be instrumental in establishing Southampton FC as one of the most successful European clubs in the history of football.

A weekend interview would be preferable as I currently work fulltime during the week and it’s quite a long drive from my house in Leicester. (I know this as I’ve attended 6 home games this season).

Alternatively if you pop the job offer in the post I’ll sign it and send it back first class recorded.

I look forward to your response.

Kind Regards,



Jamie

 

I am Katharina Liebherr and in the absence of any other candidates, the jobs yours!

 

I did do an actual LOL at the Guly do Prado stand. Good work sir!