I've just played Cluedo "Who killed the music" edition. Turns out it was Professor Green, in the studio, with the microphone.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
Muslims can't eat bacon or drink beer. Take bacon or beer away from me and I'll fly a plane into a ****ing building - Jim Jefferies
Jamie Carragher and John Terry walk into a bakery. John Terry quickly shoves three meat pies in his pocket and walks out. Outside he says to Jamie, "Did you see that. The owner hadn't a clue. Nobody can nick things as good as me". Jamie replies, "Wannabet? Come back in the shop and watch this". So they go back in the shop and Jamie says to the Baker, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" The baker, intrigued says, "Go on them". Carra says, "Give us one of those meat pies". The baker passes Jamie a meat pie which he eats really quickly. "Okay, give me another one" says Jamie which he is passed, and again stuffs it in his mouth and swallows. "And another" which the bakery dubiously gives him, and which Jamie polishes off in a few seconds. The baker's a bit peeved now. "You said you were going to show me a magic trick, all you have done is eat 3 pies". Jamie smiles knowingly and says, "Look in John Terry's pocket."
A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?
Why did Jane fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock Who's there? Well, certainly not Jane. A 4 year old and a 6 year old decide they're old enough to cuss. The six year old tells the four year old that he'll say hell, and the four year old will say ass. They go downstairs, and the mom asks the six year old, 'What do you want for breakfast?' The six year old responds, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I'll take Frosted Flakes.' The mom smacks him and chases him to his room. She comes back, obviously angry, and asks the four year old what he wants. The four year old responds, 'I don't know, but you can bet your ass it isn't Frosted Flakes!'
Two politicans were having a heated debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other politician screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!"
Apart Jane not being on a swing (she was crossing the road instead), a mate of mine told me that joke yesterday too
Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit tight , he decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years . Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that old mate is how you waft a bloody towel' !
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them
A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
