Man Flu - The Facts... 1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.) 2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too. 3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities. 4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in. 5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it 6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast). 7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known. 8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off. 9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu. 10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers. Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" [NSFW]"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."[/NSFW]
Not PC but WTF. It's late & I've had a few I took my young son to the zoo yesterday. We were at the monkey enclosure, which was very busy, but we managed to squeeze to the front to see what was happening. One of the baby monkeys was picking its arse and eating its ****. My son pointed and said, "Daddy! That monkey's doing what you do at home!" I got a few looks of disgust from the other parents. "What are you talking about, son?" I said, pleading my innocence. "I don't pick my bum and eat poo..." "I don't mean the baby monkey," he replied.[NSFW]"I'm pointing at the daddy monkey behind him, hitting the mummy monkey."[/NSFW]
A little boy is desperate for the toilet. He inadvertedly catches his granny with one leg up on the side of the bath drying herself after a shower. Shocked at the sight, he runs to his mother. "Mummy, I think grandma has a prawn in between her legs. I'm worried." "Oh darling don't be so" says his mother. "That's just her clitoris". "Easy for you to say" says the youngun, "it smells like a ****ing prawn".
Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads 40ish ..................... 49 Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates Athletic .................. No Tits Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse Beautiful ................. Pathological liar Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills Educated .................. ****ed to death at college Emotionally secure ........ On medication Feminist .................. Fat Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin Fun ....................... Annoying Gentle .................... Dull Good listener ............. Autistic New Age ................... Body hair problems Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal Open minded ............... Desperate Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk Poet ...................... Depressive Professional .............. Bitch Romantic .................. Frigid Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket Voluptuous ................ Very fat Large lady ................ Hugely Fat Wants soul-mate............ Stalker Widow ..................... Murderer
One for Bill to wake to if he's not to hung over to read it all THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------ LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'. Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom . The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END
Tory version. All but the wealthy, privellaged few are allowed to keep warm in the winter, with most of the hard earned squirrels nuts taken off him to give to the already wealthy, well fed and warm selected few and to hell with the rest. They can all **** off and die for all the Tory Govt care. The end.
Australian Labor government is starting to sound alot like the second half of that post... ****in socialists
Just about hit the nail on the head there marra. The three main parties over here all piss in the same pot & you couldn't get a Rizla between them tbh. That sums it up for me. Bunch of ****ers.
There's a blonde a redhead and a brunette on top of a burning building. firemen get there and hold a blanket tightly at the bottom so that they can catch the 3 women when they jump. So the brunette goes first, and jump off the burning building, but the SWOOSH the firemen pull the blanket out from under her, and she hits the pavement and dies instantly. then the firemen say to the red head "Jump! Jump! Don't worry it's only brunette's we don't like, we love readheads! Trust us and Jump!" So the redhead jumps off and then SWOOSH the blanket's gone and she turns into a large red splat on the pavement. Then the firemen say "Jump! Jump! its only redheads and brunettes we don't like! We love blondes! Trust us and jump!" Then the blonde says "I dunno... I don't trust you men, so here's what I want you to do. Put The blanket down and walk AWAY from the blanket"
How many wives Syd, Im on my second, and for sure LAST, And I dont even like wedding cake. should have listened to the old adage "once bitten twice shy "
