Least-Aesthetically-Pleasing-to-the-Eye FC

Whilst watching Match of the Day on Saturday, I thought to myself that the amount of footballers who are questionably unfortunate aesthetically seems to be at an all time high. This got me thinking of creating a team, made entirely of professional footballers currently plying their trade in the Football League who make you go, "eugh" when you first see them.

It should be noted at this point that I do not consider myself to be "good looking" in the slightest. I sort of look like a fat Mark Lamarr with a nose just short of 3ft in length.

This is where you, the fine people of Not 606 come in. I need some help completing the team! I have chosen the traditional 4-4-2 formation, however if you feel that this needs to be changed to accommodate a particularly unsightly individual, then please let me know.

So, to kick this off, below is who I feel should be the captain of LAPE FC.

Dirk Kuyt - Captain
Most of us can probably remember when Dirk Kuyt first burst on to the scene in 1985. Many critics could not see a way that his career could progress from his early acting days. After all, how could you incorporate Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli from The Goonies into any other genre or format. Well, Dirk proved all his doubters wrong and carved out a successful career as a professional soccer player. Since signing for Liverpool FC in 2006 from Feyenord, his consistently misaligned face and "flowing" golden curls have graced many a football fans TV. Although being extremely talented and gifted as a footballer, he lacks these praises when it comes to appearance, making him the ideal subject to begin this topic.


GK - ?

LB - ?
CB - ?
CB - ?
RB - ?

LM - ?
CM - ?
CM - Jay "What You Looking At" Spearing
RM - ?

CF - Dirk "Sloth" Kuyt (c)
CF - Carlos "Gremlin" Tevez


Submit and discuss your suggestions below.

 

Shrek up front, dyche at the back, chuck the babies in and watch them go!

 

Jay Spearing has got to be up there....makes Rooney look fancy.

 

Steve Bruce at Centre-Back (if his legs haven't gone).

I've seen more attractive potatoes.

 

Ian Dowie
Peter Crouch
Peter Beardsley

Luke Chadwick
Jimmy Bullard

Ogrizovic

 

oooh, and Gary Neville at right back

 

Don't forget Gareth Southgate, he'd have to be in there.

 

Tevez? Ribery?

 

Ohh Tevez, definitely!

 

Ronaldinho?

 

A forward line of Tevez, Ronaldinho and Bellamy would have to be about the most unphotogenic line-up of all time. Two hunchbacks and a rabbit.

 

Roger, that's unfair to rabbits!

 

Lloyd Doyley? - said he swiftly donning his anti-flame suit and flak jacket.

 

BB!! i'm shocked! How very dare you! He's actually quite cute close up lol

 

About half of the Birmingham 'bad boys' team of the early 80s.

 

Robbie Savage anyone?

 

No thanks golden_boys...

 

Nobby Styles without his teeth?

 

When I was a boy football annuals often had full page close ups of players' faces. Two who were particularly scary were a Rotherham goalie called Quested and a Bolton defender called Higgins. They were probably charming fellows who gave all their spare cash to charity

 

Cliff Holton must have been very scary if you were a goalkeeper in the early 1960s.