Bloke wakes up in the morning, looks out the window and says to his wife "well babe we are all going fishing today. You me and the dog" "Oh I hate fishing" his wife says. "Well then, I will give you half an hour to think about it, while I get the boat ready" He says to her... "it's either fishing, anal sex or ablow job. It's up to you" Half hour later he returns. "Well whats it going to be love?" She replies. "Oh, I hate fishing, and anal sex hurts too much. Looks like it's a blow job I guess" The bloke flops his half stiff cock out as she gets down on her knees. She wraps her lips around his knob, then spits it out as she screws her face up. "YUCK THAT TASTES LIKE ****" she shouts. He looks down at her and says "Yeah the dog didn't want to come fishing either" please log in to view this image
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still ****ing talking aren't you? please log in to view this image
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a ****ing asshole ..." please log in to view this image
A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag,"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked,"magic apples", the old man replied. "Prove it", said the young man."Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man."Watermelon and peaches", he answered. The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said. The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic. The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat."I like to eat pussy." he snapped.The man handed him another apple and told him to try it. He took a big bite, spat it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like ****".The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over." please log in to view this image
My daughter got sent home from school for swearing. 'What did you say' I asked. 'The 'C' word' she replied solemnly. I looked at her with amixture of disappointment and love, and said quietly 'it's not clever is it?' 'No Dad' she said 'it was c*nt'
A little kid gets onto a first bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mum a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mum a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mum was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
My wife has been missing for a week now. The Police phoned me today and told me to prepare for the worst. So I've just been down to he charity shop to get all her clothes back. A man phones 999 and says "I think my wife has died". The operator says "how do you know." " Well," said the man "the sex is still the same but the ironing is building up"
Sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did. Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "Well, the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
For years I thought mt wife had Tourettes......... ........but apparently she really does want me to f*ck off
