I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge. David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English. Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you? 'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres' Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please.." The barman says, "That's not like you." I've designed some three quarter length baby wear for black babies. They're called kneegrows A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught" The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.. Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats nt true....... sometimes i want a kebab" A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing. Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert! Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford? My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird hasbig rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve" Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes." Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your f**king lot." I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating. After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man" She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease" Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel. A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell. They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time. To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open. He sniffed & said he wasnââ¬â¢t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over, he sniffed again & said: "You can't fool me, itââ¬â¢s an old sh!thouse door off a fishinââ¬â¢ boat! Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack. The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? "The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!" My son was sent home from school for swearing today. I said what did u say? He said the c word. I said it wasn't clever, was it? He said no, it was c*nt. Fernado Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "newcastle" "What State's that in?" asks the Yank. "Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place! An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre! Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, Apparently she'd stood him up Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship.... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!" A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i canââ¬â¢t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere! The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out . They said they were delicious! My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
Yesterday is History. Tomorrow is a Mystery. Today is a Gift. That's why we call it the Present. Scouse vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, leeds parts of Bradford , Wales and anywhere in Ireland
Can we lose the racist jokes also? Some of these really made me laugh, some I thought were in poor taste and bordered on offensive. Or have I just opened a can of worms?
Brilliant thread - brightened up my day as much as the Hammers going down yesterday. Man goes for a job interview. He is doing ok until the interviewer asks if he has a police record.? Sure have he replies - WALKING ON THE MOON.!!
