A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast, and as he stormed out of the house he angrily yelled to his wife, “You aren’t that good in bed either.” By mid morning he decided that he’d better make amends and 'phones her. After many rings his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting ?” “I was in bed.” “What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour ?” “Getting a second opinion”
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day: One day Mike says. "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed. "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him. "Mike--Mike." "Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died!" "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." Insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven." Replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first." Says Mike. "The good news." Joe says. "Is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want and we never get tired." That's fantastic." Says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're in the team for this Saturday!"
Me : Can I borrow the new book about Cockney swearwords? Librarian : You can't. Me : Yeah, that's the one.
A man went into a library and asked, "Do you have any books on shelving?" The librarian said, "Yes, all of them!"
I went to a Jamaican barber today. I said to him... 'Can I have a haircut and a shave please?' He replied 'Yarse' 'No' I said. 'My head and my chin'
School rang me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies”.... I replied, “Well tell him he’s f*cking good at it - I haven’t got a son”....