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Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . .but, they taste like peppermint
     
    #5142
    LeeUtd likes this.
  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5143
    Diego, FORZA LEEDS, stonkin and 2 others like this.
  4. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5144
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  5. oldschool

    oldschool Well-Known Member

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    had a phone call from the hospital saying your wife has had a car accident, her face is a bit of a mess and she has a nasty gash....i said yeah i know but is she injured?
     
    #5145
    FORZA LEEDS and OLOF like this.
  6. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
    Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
    The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
    All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
    A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
    Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
    The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
    The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could."
    The trainer exclaimed, "Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!!"
    "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls..."
     
    #5147
    Diego likes this.
  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    What is the French term for blue balls?
    Sack Le Bleu
     
    #5148
  9. OLOF

    OLOF Well-Known Member

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  10. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5151
    Diego likes this.
  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5152
    oldschool and **Hector ** like this.
  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5154
  15. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    I asked my boss, "Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas"...?
    She said, "It's May"......
    "Sorry" I replied, "May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas"
     
    #5155
    Diego and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  16. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    A man is seeking to join the Metropolitan Police force.
    The Sergeant doing the interview says:
    Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
    Then, sliding a Tazer across the desk, he says:
    "Take this, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.
    The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?
    "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
     
    #5156
  17. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

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    IMG-20220515-WA0002.jpg
     
    #5157
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  18. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar.
    She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
    The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
    The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
    Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
    The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
    The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
     
    #5158
    LeeUtd, Diego and brisbane-lion like this.
  19. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #5159
    Diego, brisbane-lion and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  20. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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