1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by The-Don, Aug 9, 2012.

  1. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    9,656
    Likes Received:
    927
    Lets have a joke thread cheer everyone up :)

    Ill start with.


    Pregnant Jamaican woman wakes up from a coma in hospital and asks where her bump has gone. Doctor says "it's ok you had twins a boy and a girl. We had to register them, so your brother named them." "Oh my goodness" she says "He's totally thick, what did he call the girl?" "DENISE" replies doc. "Actually thats nice, i like that and what about the boy?"............ "DENEPHEW !!".
     
    #1
    Irishshako and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  2. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    111,792
    Likes Received:
    76,443
    Courtesy of Roy Cropper on Twitter...

    Not all women are good at multi-tasking. I just saw one trying to talk on her phone, while flying through her car windscreen.
     
    #2
    Farsleyexile and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  3. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    9,656
    Likes Received:
    927
    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f.ck your brains out, and suck your t!ts dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
    #3
    Farsleyexile and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  4. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    111,792
    Likes Received:
    76,443
    The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.
     
    #4
    Farsleyexile likes this.
  5. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    9,656
    Likes Received:
    927
    Doctors in Australia have diagnosed a new condition which they are calling "Olympic finger". Symptoms are pain in the index finger caused by repeated scrolling down to see Australia's medal tally.
     
    #5
  6. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    9,656
    Likes Received:
    927
    El Hadji Diouf to Leeds :)
     
    #6

  7. 666 & Elmo

    666 & Elmo New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2012
    Messages:
    3,054
    Likes Received:
    324
    In the sailing, GB took gold, Australia took silver, and Somalia took a middle aged couple off the beach
     
    #7
  8. Old Peacock

    Old Peacock Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2011
    Messages:
    1,160
    Likes Received:
    42
  9. Simon21-LUFC

    Simon21-LUFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2011
    Messages:
    5,585
    Likes Received:
    92
    Need a joke, just back from my best friend's funeral, he was hit in the head by a tennis ball... it was a wonderful service.
     
    #9
    Farsleyexile and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  10. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    9,285
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes!
     
    #10
    Leedsoflondon and Farsleyexile like this.
  11. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    9,285
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    After both suffering from depression for a while, me & the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday......

    But strangley enough... once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better...

    so I thought.. sod it...soldier on.....
     
    #11
    FORZA LEEDS and Farsleyexile like this.
  12. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    9,285
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    My mate's wife washes her fanny with bleach. She's a flash ****
     
    #12
    FORZA LEEDS and Farsleyexile like this.
  13. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    9,285
    Likes Received:
    1,180
    It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
     
    #13
  14. JonnyLosAngeles

    JonnyLosAngeles Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2011
    Messages:
    4,299
    Likes Received:
    1,173
    Three guys go to an ice hockey game looking forward to yelling abuse at the opposing players. To their dismay, they find a group of nuns sitting in front of them. Determined not to have their evening spoiled, they devise a plan to make the nuns feel uncomfortable and move to other seats. Frank says, "I am planning to move to Montana as there are only 70 Catholics there." Dave replies, "I am planning to to move to Idaho as there are only 56 Catholics there." George chimes in that he is planning to go to Utah as there are only 20 Catholics there. A nun turns around sharply and says, "why don't you just go to hell, there are no Catholics there!"
     
    #14
  15. Farsleyexile

    Farsleyexile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2011
    Messages:
    4,117
    Likes Received:
    1,211
    At this moment `Wall jokes are gratefully accepted<ok>
     
    #15
  16. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    9,656
    Likes Received:
    927
    Little Johnny: "Mum I want to be a Millwall season ticket holder when I grow up." Mum: "Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both."
     
    #16
    Farsleyexile likes this.
  17. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2011
    Messages:
    111,792
    Likes Received:
    76,443
    Liverpool are 12/1 to win 2012-13 Premier League. For those who don't understand gambling, that means if you put £50 on, you will lose £50.
     
    #17
  18. Massimo Cellino

    Massimo Cellino Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    118
    I just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking down the street with a cat flap on his head.


    See? You can always trust Uncle Ken to cheer you up. <wizard>
     
    #18
    The-Don and Farsleyexile like this.
  19. Farsleyexile

    Farsleyexile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2011
    Messages:
    4,117
    Likes Received:
    1,211
    I went to see a psychic yesterday. He said"what`s your name?"
    I said "i want my ****ing money back"
     
    #19
    The-Don and FORZA LEEDS like this.
  20. Mr H

    Mr H New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    5
    I met a man the other day with five cocks... His underpants fit him liks a glove:bandit:
     
    #20
    The-Don likes this.

Share This Page