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Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by The-Don, Aug 9, 2012.

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  1. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    Lets have a joke thread cheer everyone up :)

    Ill start with.


    Pregnant Jamaican woman wakes up from a coma in hospital and asks where her bump has gone. Doctor says "it's ok you had twins a boy and a girl. We had to register them, so your brother named them." "Oh my goodness" she says "He's totally thick, what did he call the girl?" "DENISE" replies doc. "Actually thats nice, i like that and what about the boy?"............ "DENEPHEW !!".
     
    #1
    The-Don, Aug 9, 2012
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  2. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

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    Courtesy of Roy Cropper on Twitter...

    Not all women are good at multi-tasking. I just saw one trying to talk on her phone, while flying through her car windscreen.
     
    #2
    originallambrettaman, Aug 9, 2012
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  3. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f.ck your brains out, and suck your t!ts dry."Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
     
    #3
    The-Don, Aug 9, 2012
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  4. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

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    The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events.
     
    #4
    originallambrettaman, Aug 9, 2012
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  5. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    Doctors in Australia have diagnosed a new condition which they are calling "Olympic finger". Symptoms are pain in the index finger caused by repeated scrolling down to see Australia's medal tally.
     
    #5
    The-Don, Aug 9, 2012
  6. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    El Hadji Diouf to Leeds :)
     
    #6
    The-Don, Aug 9, 2012

  7. 666 & Elmo

    666 & Elmo New Member

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    In the sailing, GB took gold, Australia took silver, and Somalia took a middle aged couple off the beach
     
    #7
    666 & Elmo, Aug 9, 2012
  8. Old Peacock

    Old Peacock Well-Known Member

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    #8
    Old Peacock, Aug 9, 2012
  9. Simon21-LUFC

    Simon21-LUFC Well-Known Member

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    Need a joke, just back from my best friend's funeral, he was hit in the head by a tennis ball... it was a wonderful service.
     
    #9
    Simon21-LUFC, Aug 9, 2012
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  10. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

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    conjunctivitis.com - there's a site for sore eyes!
     
    #10
    Josh-LUFC, Aug 10, 2012
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  11. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

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    After both suffering from depression for a while, me & the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday......

    But strangley enough... once she had killed herself I started to feel a lot better...

    so I thought.. sod it...soldier on.....
     
    #11
    Josh-LUFC, Aug 10, 2012
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  12. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

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    My mate's wife washes her fanny with bleach. She's a flash ****
     
    #12
    Josh-LUFC, Aug 10, 2012
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  13. Josh-LUFC

    Josh-LUFC Well-Known Member

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    It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
     
    #13
    Josh-LUFC, Aug 10, 2012
  14. JonnyLosAngeles

    JonnyLosAngeles Well-Known Member

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    Three guys go to an ice hockey game looking forward to yelling abuse at the opposing players. To their dismay, they find a group of nuns sitting in front of them. Determined not to have their evening spoiled, they devise a plan to make the nuns feel uncomfortable and move to other seats. Frank says, "I am planning to move to Montana as there are only 70 Catholics there." Dave replies, "I am planning to to move to Idaho as there are only 56 Catholics there." George chimes in that he is planning to go to Utah as there are only 20 Catholics there. A nun turns around sharply and says, "why don't you just go to hell, there are no Catholics there!"
     
    #14
    JonnyLosAngeles, Aug 10, 2012
  15. Farsleyexile

    Farsleyexile Well-Known Member

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    At this moment `Wall jokes are gratefully accepted<ok>
     
    #15
    Farsleyexile, Aug 10, 2012
  16. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    Little Johnny: "Mum I want to be a Millwall season ticket holder when I grow up." Mum: "Make your mind up Johnny - you can't do both."
     
    #16
    The-Don, Aug 10, 2012
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  17. originallambrettaman

    originallambrettaman Mod Moderator Staff Member

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    Liverpool are 12/1 to win 2012-13 Premier League. For those who don't understand gambling, that means if you put £50 on, you will lose £50.
     
    #17
    originallambrettaman, Aug 10, 2012
  18. Massimo Cellino

    Massimo Cellino Active Member

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    I just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman walking down the street with a cat flap on his head.


    See? You can always trust Uncle Ken to cheer you up. <wizard>
     
    #18
    Massimo Cellino, Aug 10, 2012
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  19. Farsleyexile

    Farsleyexile Well-Known Member

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    I went to see a psychic yesterday. He said"what`s your name?"
    I said "i want my ****ing money back"
     
    #19
    Farsleyexile, Aug 10, 2012
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  20. Mr H

    Mr H New Member

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    I met a man the other day with five cocks... His underpants fit him liks a glove:bandit:
     
    #20
    Mr H, Aug 10, 2012
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