A mate saw this on another forum so had to share it. I went to an office party last weekend and f..ked an ugly, fat Chinese woman in the lift...... ........I know, I know........... .........I was f..king Wong on so many levels. Anyone got any more?
And old one but good one... A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked. 'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'. The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation. The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.' The captain stared blankly at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly ****ing is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!'.
A woman walks into a shop with a couple of kids, unfortunately she's got a face like a bad beekeeper and weighs about 24 stone. The shopkeeper says " Excuse me madam are they twins?" The woman replies " No, my daughter is 13 and the little boy is only 5 years of age, why do you ask?" Shopkeeper says " It's just I can't imagine anyone shagging you twice "
How the Greek Bailout works: It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
A woman from Portsmouth was in the dole office with her eight sons. When Questioned about a form she had filled in the staff member behind the counter asked it says here to give your children's names but you have only put Terry. Which one is Terry? The woman replies they are all called Terry. The member of staff asked isn't that confusing ? No replies the woman it is very handy for example if i need to get them in for tea i shout Terry its time for tea and they all come in or If i say Terry it's time for bed they all go to bed. But what about if you want to talk to just one of them? asks the member of staff. The woman replies that's easy i just call them by their Surname.
Man sitting on a public toilet straining to have a dump. Getting redder and redder as he pushes and pushes to no avail. Suddenly he hears the door of the cubicle next door crash open and within seconds there is what sounds like a small explosion followed by a loud sigh of relief. " Christ I wish I could do that" he shouts out. " no you don't" comes the reply " I haven't got my trousers off yet! "
Heres an old on. hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
My wife's father said to me, "Ten grand to never see my daughter again." I said, "Okay, that sounds like a deal." I gave him the ten grand, packed my bags and ****ed off.
