God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says heâll try. God visits him a week later to see how heâs getting on. âNot badâ says the man, âIâve given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the freezer, I had to **** her up the arse.â âThey donât like that sort of thing in Heavenâ said God. The man replied, âTheyâre not too ****ing happy about it in Woolworths either!
I backed three horses at Ascot. Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. They all ****ing lost. I blame it on the bookie !
I got a text from my wife saying: "I'm in the house making dinner, where are you? xx" I replied: "I'm just in the woulds walking the dog x" She then text me: "Oops, you made a spelling mistake, hehe xx" After checking my message, I noticed she was right, so I text her: "****ing"
