Little Old Lady In Court... Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defence Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defence Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defence Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defence Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defence Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I was in a bar the other night and overheard 3 very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked.. "Hello ladies are you three lassies from Scotland ?" One of them angrily screeched "It's Wales you bloody idiot Wales" So I apologized and replied.. "I am sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" That's the last thing I remember.
I've been chasing this bird for ages now.. Its really starting to get me down. Whenever I build up the courage, she always runs away from me. I've tried loads of different techniques, weightlifting, running, chasing.. But none of the techniques allow me to get my hands on her! Any advice would be great. Many many thanks.. Wiley Coyote
Do you want to find out who is truly your real friend? This really works !!!If you don't believe me, just try this little experiment. Put your wife and your dog in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
1. Q. What is worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A. A woman that won't do as she is told. 2. Q. How many men does it take to open a beer? A. None. It should be opened when she brings it to you. 3. Q. Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. 4. Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. 5. Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." 6. Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't. They don't need one. There's a clock on the oven. 7. Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A. The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. 8. Q. What food have scientists discovered that diminishes a woman's sex drive. A. Yes, it's Wedding Cake. 9. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. The simple answer is because they want to. 10. Q. Will women ever be equal to men? A. Not until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
And now for a bit of light racism ........ Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder." The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick...it's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer...dinner or sex once since the first beating.
My sister has had a tattoo of a seashell done on the inside of her thigh. my Brother in law thinks it is absolutely fantastic he says when he puts his ear to it he can smell the sea
JOB INTERVIEW Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness? Applicant: Honesty. Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness. Applicant: I don't give a **** what you think.
Just got back from visiting Taffthefish in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy. Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into a narrow parking space, in the dark, with no problem, I thought.....just a ****in' minute!
Q. what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? A. Acne usually comes on an altar boys' face after he turns 12 Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???...... A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!
"It's a Boy It's a Boy!" shouted Dai, running into the street with tears running down his face! That's the last time He will holiday in Thailand!
