Jimmy Corkhill From Brookside - Funny As Feck

http://mrjimmycorkhill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/open-letter-to-towie-cast.html

http://mrjimmycorkhill.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/open-letter-to-joey-barton.html

Friday, 4 May 2012AN OPEN LETTER TO THE TOWIE CAST

Dear bunch of Southern beauts off that Essex programme,

(For the avoidance of doubt, and to clear any ‘language barriers’ beaut is not a complimentary term. A.K.A being a beaut is ‘NOT REEM’. *shudders*)

I write regarding my sheer, utter, relentless boredom of you being in the papers every five seconds, for quite literally, **** ALL.

In fact, I further this to question why you are in the papers AT ALL, never mind every five minutes.

Since when has one of you looking RATHER FAT in a bad bikini, then SLIGHTLY THINNER doing a god awful stupid pout , been viable news? I’m talking to YOU @LaurenGoodger




And haven’t YOU been sacked from the show anyway? For being a boring fat slag? Yeh thought so.

And then Mr Jelly Belly who prances around in a Tuxedo reckoning he can sing, making a bad tit of himself crying over that bird who keep swerving him all the time.. Yes YOU @RealJamesArgent

How is you having a £16,000 makeover made the news, when you still look like an absolute blert who bathes in chip fat every night? You got new teeth, a spray tan, a load of new clobber ... yeh great.. but how’s about you put down the double cheese burger for breakfast and swerve the ‘wet look gel’?

And don’t EVER , EVER get your moobs and jelly belly out in public / on TV again. EVER.




And then there is the one that looks like a horse with tits ..she knobbed that old man who owns Sugar Hut for his money, and then ditched him for a lower league footballer .. and then ... Yes I’m talking to YOU @MariaFowler

How is you rocking up in Liverpool at the Desperate Scousewives shop opening looking like you’ve fallen off the top of a Christmas Tree, and then “fighting” with Marcus Collins on Twitter, viable news?

And how how how do you have the audacity to actually call him an “XFactor Reject” on Twitter? He came second for ****’s sake. He has singles in the charts. He is CLEARLY very talented. Where as you? You are famous for WHAT ? having tits and being a slag – thats what. You too have been SACKED from the show... so why are we still hearing about you? WHY?




And last but not least. The 12 year old boy. Joey Friggin Essex. @JoeyEssex_

Lad – what are you?

You get in the news for wearing HEAD TO TOE Hollister *shudders* and ORANGE UGG BOOTS *almost dies shuddering*




You are the worst example of BAD VIRGIN I have ever seen. Got about a zillion fan girls on twitter offering you Flange On A Plate and you just swerve it don’t you. Like my mate @TinheadFTM said the other day.... Where’s the papparazzi pics of you falling out of clubs at 4am? You should be beaked up, with fanny-slither all the way up to your elbows....Why not get yourself in the news for that? INSTEAD OF FOR DRIVING A WHITE SMART CAR !?





And as for your profile pic on Twitter of you ‘looking REEM’ in your white speedos.... I’ve seen more meat left in a KFC bargain bucket after that Arg lad has had a go at it after half a day of trying to diet. There’s a word up here for you, lad... = QUEG.




In summary... I just can not comprehend why people like you are repeatedly the subject of tabloid news agenda. Look at me and @SinbadBrookie, we can’t even get in The Liverpool Echo these days, despite decades of amazing soap acting and being LEGENDS across the Merseyside area. Didnt even get an invite to the Soap Awards the other night! Best exposure for me recently was the re-run of the episode of Come Dine With Me, where I rock up and serve chicken. Really. And it wasn’t even a celebrity episode.

So, I ask you to honour the views of me and the thousands that will read and retweet this, and stop getting yourselves in the news for **** ALL ... And please get yourself in the news for something NEWSWORTHY.. Say, a multiple car crash, or a suicide pact or perhaps a cast wide Anal Aids epidemic? I would quite happily read that kind of stuff.

Laters,

Jimmy C




Sunday, 13 May 2012AN OPEN LETTER TO JOEY BARTON
Alright twat features?


I’m seeing my arse here as you’ve made such a bad show of yourself today, that I have finally been tipped over the edge and I’m having to put pen to paper on you, on a Sunday night. My Sunday Dinner hasn’t even settled yet, and I don’t think it will tonight due to the fact that you remain in the world. Quiff and all.


People have been asking me to do a letter to you for a while. Could never be arsed wasting my time on you, but, well, then TODAY happened.


As a person, you’re despicable.


You come from a family of pure ****.


Your 'brother' and your ‘cousin’ murdered Anthony Walker, the young black lad, because he was black. #RIP


Your ‘cousins’ murdered an innocent Dad #RIP


And you:

May 2005 you broke a guy’s leg while driving your car through Liverpool city centre at 2 am.
March 2007 you got arrested for suspicion of assault on a taxi driver and criminal damage.
May 2008 you got 6 months in prison for assault and affray outside McDonalds.
July 2008 you got a four months suspended sentence for assault and ABH on a Man City team mate, ending your Man City career. You also got charged by the FA for violent conduct.

You & 'your family' are the kind of people that give Liverpool a bad name.

As a footballer, you’re despicable.


I'm not going to back track at all your other attention seeking sendings off, like the headbutt v Norwich which got you a straight red and QPR then lost 1-2 at home.


Its today that’s pissed me off.


Your team were fighting to avoid relegation, and you act the **** and get a red card.
Then…. Your actions AFTER your red card? Just shouldn’t be seen on a football pitch. Your scum genetics took over and you kick out at Aguero who had nothing to do with your sending off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a City fan. And I’d rather have them win the league than Utd, so in a way THANKS FOR THAT.


But now you’re mouthing off on twitter about “who gives a ****” .. and how you did what you had to do. And who cares, you stayed up, that’s all that matters? And that you are off to CELEBRATE?? Celebrate??? You should be sent home to sit on the ****ing naughty step lad.


Your team survived by the skin of your yellow teeth today. A penalty at Stoke v Bolton is what saved you. And you are ****ing lucky. Otherwise you and “your team” would be down, pretty much because of you. And no offence to any QPR fans reading, but I ****ing wish you had gone down just to teach your smug rat tashed ****ing face a lesson.


And then you start tweeting that a team mate told you to “take one of the city players with you”. Bad disgrace that. You should be banned for life. No place for players like you. The media are going to be all over that tweet, and all QPR players will get tarred with the cheating brush. Well done lad. There’s no I in team is there? But there’s a ****ing I in prick!


And setting aside the fact that you did it. Now you’re grassing? You can’t live life grassing that someone else told you to do something? Be your own man.


Mind you, Rick Astley told you to get that hair cut you’ve got, didn’t he.


Bottom line is, “Joseph”, underneath all your controversy and the BIG I AM act that you constantly hide behind, is the fact that you just aren’t that good. ARE YOU?


So you act up, stir controversy, mouth off, kick out, and play the big guns on twitter, to keep a name for yourself. Don’t you?


Lad, you play for a team that just survived relegation by an ant’s penis, and you’ve got the same amount of England caps as that David Nugent . ONE. ****ing David Nugent. Says it all. Thing is though, Nugent was born in Huyton too. But, guess what, he isn’t a bad disgrace to Merseyside. Or humans in general, is he?


Assess your life, lad. Assess your life. Because me and all the people that read and retweet this are telling you, you are ****ing bad at it.


Jimmy Corkhill = Legend

 

Has Bendydick sobered up?

 

Give this man his own TV Show, now. Pure ****in angry genius.

 

Now, tell Barton what you REALLY think of him!!