so i think we need a joke thread until at least the pre-season kicks off. Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom."
i knew a couple from fife, who have been together for which seems like life, he wouldnt f*ck, she wouldnt suck, so they became man and wife.
Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school so the nun asked him, "Who was our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny who sat behind her took out a pin and pokes her in the butt, making Mary yell "Jesus Christ!" Very good says the teacher. Mary falls back asleep. So the nun wakes her back up and asks, "Who created the universe?" Little Johnny pokes her in the butt with a pin again, making Mary yell, "God Almighty!" The teacher says very good. And unconvinced that Mary would stay awake, she asks Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth?" Little Mary jumped out of her seat and yells, "If you shove that thing in my butt one more time I'm gonna break it in half and shove it down your throat."
There was a young lady from Hitchen Who was scratching herself in the kitchen Here mother said "Rose, It's the crabs I suppose" She said "Yes, and the ****ers are itching"
I went to the gym yesterday and said to a trainer, ' Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there.' He looked at me and replied, ' Try the cash machine outside the front door you fat ****. '
A teacher asks her class to put the word contagious into a sentence. One young lad said measles are contagious.The teacher says very good. A second young lad sad mumps are contagious.The teacher says very good. The last young lad being a bit of a smart arse says my dad was out mowing the lawn and it took the **** ages. An Italian a Spaniard and an Irishman were on a plane and the plane started having turbulance so they needed to throw something out the window. So the Spaniard throws out a bottle of wine,he says there is loads of them in Spain. The Italian throws out a bowl of spaghetti because there is loads of it in Italy. The Irishman throws an accountant out the window.
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
A boy sitting on Santas lap and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose and says "I bet your name is (spells out ) J i m m y ?" The little boys eyes light up and Santa puts his finger on the boys nose again and says " I bet you want a (spelled out ) b i k e ?" Little Jimmys eyes light up and he asks "How'd you know that ?" Santa replied "Because I'm Santa I know everything". Little Jimmy gets a funny look in his eye and says "I bet you like (spells out ) g i r l s ?" Santa says "Yes, how'd you know that ?" The boy says " Beacause your finger smells like P U S S Y !"
A stupid joke, but I don't have many of these. There was this Blind mind right, and he was feelin his way through a fish market. He stopped, took in a deep breath and said " ( breathing in deep)..... AHHHH Good morning ladies!" If anyone ever heard of Afroman that is what it was from. In my younger days I thought it was the funniest ****
I meant to put this one on here but put in on another thread. A funny story between Kenny Dalglish and the late Avi Cohen. When Avi discovered that his peg in the dressing room was alongside that of Kenny Dalglish. One morning, when the Scottish striker wandered in for training, the young Israeli thought that it was about time the two of them struck up a conversation. "You and me, the same," he said, prompting only a blank stare. After an awkward impasse, Cohen tried again. "You and me, the same," he repeated, this time causing Dalglish to declare that he hadn't the foggiest what this new lad was on about. At which point, Cohen smiled, and shared with him an explanation. "You and me, the same," he said. "Both learn English. Nobody understand."
This is an oldie and as far as I know its true. Ex Liverpool keeper Tommy ''The flying pig'' Lawrence(It was actually Everton fans that nicknamed him) after a game went to talk to Bill Shankly.He said ''Sorry boss I let the ball through my legs,I should have kept them shut'',Shanks said ''No your mother should have''.
Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow last night...."And the final question to win the £200 is; Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" so what were the second two? There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up with... Was it "Ya ****"...?
A guy finds a lamp washed up on a beach and after a little rub the proverbial genie appears. But a modern laser genie with the latest software upgrade. The genie offers the contractual three wishes. The guy ponders, then says, "I wish I had a never-ending bottle of beer." A bottle appears in his hand. He drinks it back in a oner and as soon as it's finished the bottle is full again. "Wow," says the guy. "I wish I had two more of these!" A guy gets washed up on a desert island. When he comes to he's being nursed in the lap of a hot young native girl in a grass skirt. The girl asks, "Are you hungry?" "Yes," replies the guy. The native girl reaches under her skirt and brings out a piece of fried chicken, which the guy devours. "Are you thirsty?" she asks. The guy nods and she produces a six-pack from her skirt. As the guy crushes empty can no 4 the native girl leans over so her fabulous boobs brush his arm. "Wanna play around?" she asks. The guy looks stunned and says, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs up there?"
MFG now thats funny. A Liverpool fan is driving his car and for the fun of it he speeds and then swerves pretending to hit Man United fans.One day he's out driving and he meets a priest on the road thumbing a lift and he says ''fancy a lift father where are you going''.The priest replies ''I on my way down to St Mary's''.The man says ''jump in father,I'm going that way,I'll drop you off.So whilst the man is driving he spots the glory hunting scum in all his glory and decides to speed and before he has the chance to swerve he remembers he has the priest in the back,and he still swerves and then hears a bang,and then says ''Father,please forgive me,I almost hit that Man United fan with my car''The priest says ''Its okay son....I hit the bastard with the door''.
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says OK, she can handle it. The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says yes I know who you are. Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why. So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Here's a similar one. A teacher gives her class a project. They have to tell the teacher what their father does,they have to spell it and bring in some evidence. The first young lad said his father was a baker,and he spells it b a k e r and he gives the teacher a bun. The second young lad he's a traveller child says his dad is a chiropodist. The third young lad says his father is a bookie and he spells it,b o o k i e ,and hands the teacher a betting slip that says £10 says the knacker can't spell chiropodist.
