Is The Prince Albert Dead?

One of the great things about being a gent of a mature vintage, is that I have loads of spare time on my hands. I get to waste more time watching sport, than I really should. I squander hours at a time basking in the sun, while doing absolutely nothing, and I get the pleasure of being chauffeur to the light of my life, my wife. Now as any honest husband will attest, shopping with the so called “fairer sex” can be a sore point. One has only to stand at the door of any shop in a centre, cast an eye down the corridor, and one will see stacks of bored husbands standing about like stale bottles of pisswah. Men target, women browse. Well folks, I have not been a orifice sentinel for quite a while. I now sit in the car listening to the radio. It was on one such occasion that I just happened to come across the Prince Albert. But a slight mention was made of it. The host refused to be drawn too far into the subject, for fear of his show being dragged from the air. Well that was enough for me, I couldn’t wait to get home and assault the great google-ooga-lator.

So, is the Prince Albert dead? What a wonderful question, well it is for those of us who know what the title is about. When I say “us,” I really mean me, for is it possible for anyone else to have a reading on what goes on in the mind of an idiot? So what are we talking about? Obviously, the Prince Albert of course. Not Prince Albert the person, but Prince Albert the thing. But how many Prince Alberts have there been, and how many acts or actions have been named in the honour of these people?

The Prince Albert in question was born in the Saxon duchy of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld, in the year of our Lord 1819. He was born to a life which in the end, would see him married to his first cousin, who just happened to be Queen Victoria, regent to the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Now it must be admitted that in this day and age, a marriage to a first cousin is considered a no no, unless of course one just happens to be born in either Tasmania or Scotland. So at last, we’ve narrowed the Albert down to he, who happened to be the consort of her Majesty Queen Victoria.

It goes without saying, that the memory of Her Majesty, stands the test of time. Her presence, quite rightly, overshadowed that of her husband. But we must be clear on a point here, in all fairness to the man in question, it has to be admitted, that he was hardly a shrinking violet. Despite possessing the face of a kind, something akin to that of a robber’s dog, he cut a rather dashing figure in the Royal Courts of his time. He was in fact, a bloody fashion icon!

So, what made this nobleman such a standout among his peers? Well it all started with the trousers of his predecessors. Not that he had to wear hand-me-downs, I believe he had the wherewithal to order up a pair, whenever he or the little woman felt the need. But being of the newer generation, he could hardly be just a re tinkered facsimile of a more staid time. He set out to break the mould, and in doing almost broke his foreskin. “What?” I hear you say. “What have foreskins and trousers to with Prince Albert?”

Well I’m here to tell you that he was a pioneer of skin tight pants, and as anyone with an imagination can attest, skin tight pants often leave an imprint of the two fruit and veg, in the fabric of the skimpies. This of course could not be condoned in an age of Victorian wowserism. This is where Prince Albert came into his own. In the name of high fashion, he submitted himself to the surgeon. He had to remove the offending dick from view. No, he didn’t have it severed. But he had to find an answer to the problem. After much drinking, it was decided that he’d have to somehow strap the weapon out of sight. But how to do this? With well drawn specs from the Royal Engineer Corp, that’s how. They advised that he needed two strategically placed rings. One was looped through the foreskin and the other through the flesh of the inner thigh. Before the pants were shoe horned into place, with the aid of four hefty helpers, the cock ring was connected to the thigh ring. And so, the weapon was drawn in snug against the inside leg, preventing it from bulging into view. It became an instant fad in the Courts of Europe, and from that point on, was known universally as the Prince Albert.

And so it is, that we are returned to the title. Is there but a single person out there who will admit to being follower of the fashion? Is anyone wearing the Prince Albert?

 

I am Prince Albert

 

We are all Prince Albert

 

We Prince Albert fans need proof! The word is not enough.

 

Are you Leo Tolstoy? The last sentence would have been sufficient.

Personally speaking, I'm far too squeamish to get my ears pierced never mind a Prince Albert.

 

Leo who?