Any feedback welcome. Preface Grimsford Athletic. Putting the moron in oxymoron. When I finished the journalism masters that was to be the beginning of a glittering career, I did not imagine that I would be here. When I got that part-time job as a junior at the Manchester Herald, fetching coffee for columnists filling 250 words with the hilarious dorkiness of cats, I did not imagine I would be here. When I got fired because the office leased that ****ing coffee machine, I did not imagine I would be here. When McDonalds refused to hire me because I didn't show enough Mcthusiasm in my job interview, to be fair, I should have probably imagined I'd be here, but alas... I was still dreaming of hard hitting foreign correspondence, gritty current affairs, perhaps even a ****ing 250 word segment on how ****ing Fluffy likes taking a **** like a human. I would like to note, I am not entirely ungrateful for the opportunity to supply a regular column for a recognised newspaper, even if that recognition is from the wrapping to a Friday night takeaway. The fact that I will be able to edge myself slightly further from the abyss of permanent overdraft, and away from midweek afternoon television, and the daydreams about the vague menace of awkward prostitution, is enough reason for me to embrace the opportunity... But a weekly report on the tribulations of Grimsford Athletic is not exactly the human interest story I craved. And I hate football. And I know I was only considered because my last name made the boss laugh for ninety minutes, "Just like watching Grimsford!"... Chapter 1 - The Arrival Flash! Flash! Flash! "Oops, sorry" explains the only other individual with a press badge in the hall, sitting on his camera and presumably capturing the riveting crevice of his arse from multiple angles. "I'm Simon, authorised Grimsford Times photographer, and OFFICIAL photographer of Grimsford Athletic FC!" he proudly boasted, in a nasally whine. "Jim Goodcock The Jo.." I start. "Har phnar phnar! Good-cock?!" He snorts, like the thousands before him. "The Journal", I finish, pointedly. Behind us sits the rest of the congregation, all three of them, clad in the blue and brown of the Grimsford colours. On the left, a pointy faced teenager, drenched in the aftershave of virgin, and absorbed by the mobile two inches from his face. On the right, an elderly lady with wispy white hair and heavy, devouring a tuna sandwich and drooling all over. Flanked by this odd pair, sat a large, heavyset and serious man that pointy-face and drooly clearly revered, judging from their immediate retraction of any comment that he matter of factly disagreed with. His deepset eyes stoodout, even with his dark skin, along with a tremendous beard that evoked a wizened warlock or elder statesman. "Hello Simon, Johnny, Wizard (called it!) and Nan!" Said a voice, dropping from the mouth of a man I recognised from the copious images unfortunately immediately brought up when Google Searching 'Grimsford Owner Public Exposure'. "And who's this?" He queried. "Jim G... (thinking better of it with Simon still chortling), The Journal Sports columnist" "Well Jim G, let me introduce you to our newest signing! None other than Norwegian..." "Swedish" Wizard chimed under his breath "International..." "Under 7s, rounders" still chiming. "Karl Rolfson" "Rolf Karlson" another stone faced correction. Behind him appeared a tall, brunette dreamboat, with more teeth than Grimsford had population. "Karl here is a great errrr" "Left-back" Wizard now audibly filling the gaps "Yes, who has come from Drajimini...?" "Djurgardens... and he was released, 8 years ago" "Yes yes. Excellent. Any questions Jim G?" "Certainly, where's Ray Hodgson? Wouldn't the manager normally be here for a press conference announcing a new player?" "No more questions!" And that was that... My first taste of column life. I later found out exactly why Ray had not been present. A week earlier, Ray received an e-mail, which, for once, was not from one of the many Nigerian "football scouts" he was financially supporting in a bid to get the 7 "starlets they had identified" to play for Grimsford. It was from the Football Association. It read: [email protected] Good afternoon Mr Hodgson, Following careful consideration, I am delighted to inform you that we wish to offer you the position of England manager. The panel took into consideration your long and unblemished career in club management, your exemplary record in bringing through youth talent, and your commitment to a rigidly... And that's when Ray stopped reading. Apparently he closed the laptop, burst into the dressing room and an expletive riddled rant which addressed the inadequacies of each and every squad member, reducing most of the ones who spoke English to tears, before slapping the owner's bald head over and over, calling him a titty tittyhead, and storming out the doors to freedom... Or so he thought. I must admit, though, I have some sympathy for Ray, considering the beautifully crafted prose I had put together around the "major International signing" was butchered mercilessly into the following: -------- Swede Dreams Are Made Of These! Grimsford Athletic sign former Djurgardens youth Rolf Karlson. The left-back will be keen to prove his worth to the die hard contingent, and could be key to any success for the 'Limpers' in the coming season. By J. Goodcock --------- That was it. 37 words and a terrible 80s pop-culture pun reference. Still, it's a start.
Never let anyone stop you. Never be afraid to re-read and re-write parts. Everyone will believe they can do better. Find 2 or 3 people whose opinion you trust and listen to them but always be the final arbiter. Despite having said that my twopennethworth would be that it’s got the basis and style for an interesting book but needs more adjectives and description to set the scenes, the people and the places if it is to be more than a short read. Good luck.
Needs some work being honest but no book is written in one draft. You need to press on with it. I admire anyone who has the patience and determination to take up writing. Perseverance is the key.
Impossible to judge a potential book on a few paragraphs but just make sure you plan it out properly first. Its easy to rewrite sections that you don’t like later but very difficult to change overall plot if it doesnt go well. Like everyone else says do it for the love of writing and don’t give up on your dream. If you want to practice you can always do the match threads.
Alternatively you could read all of Pouchy’s comments. Most of them can be classed as works of fiction.
Thanks for having a read lads. I wrote this on the train over the course of half an hour or so, but I liked the concept. I think it has legs as a collection of short stories almost, which also fits together and tells the story of Grimsford's season. At this stage, it's more about a workable idea than anything. The ideas I have for other chapters so far includes: A huge Scottish physiotherapist, who basically everyone wants to avoid treatment from, to the extent those with serious injury see him coming on and instantly start hobbling round pretending they're fine. He will have a fit daughter who assists him as a physio, who everyone perves on. A cup run that sees the Limpers get to the semi-final, and acquire ten thousand new fans somehow. The teenage fan will be a persistent alcoholic who dedicates time to talking about his jizz and new found health consciousness on football forums.... And the progression of the journalist will see more column inches as the season progresses, with increasingly **** pun headlines. While it will be revealed he is only a freelance reporter, due to the success of the team and the more significance his column attracts, the final chapter will be a full page article, written for a major newspaper, with a **** pun headline which he has chosen.
For the benefit of Tel and Jak you could put in a chapter about Grimsford’s once all conquering neighbours who are now on the decline and being over shadowed by their noisy neighbours, Grimsford’s Cup run.
For the benefit of your fans you could put a mock funeral in there and have one of the characters bang a couple of horses.
