A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something". He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet ! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
Asked the girlfriend last night for Oral Relief. "Do you want to me to suck you off" she asked " No please just shut the **** up". A Catholic Priest has hailed one of his Alter Boys for saving his life... The 12 year old apparently found a lump on his testicles
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin . In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'
Rose Pucksy ... my Gypsy fortune teller was alarmed to find her two inbred daughters playing with each other's front bottoms... Good news however as they found their Dad's wedding ring and Uncle Moses's pick up keys
I've applied for the vacant England manager's position. I won't get it, but had to show willing or they'd cut my benefits. My mate Dave has had worse luck, though. He applied for the vacant Wolves manager's position for the same reason, but now he's been called to attend an interview.
My wife sent me out to buy something that would make her look sexy. I don't think she was too impressed when I came home with two crates of beer.
New research suggests that men who are too nice on Valentine's day and buy their women too many gifts, makes the women suspect that they are cheating. So your instincts were right, you can't win
My wife called me last week and said 'Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentine's day; they're absolutely gorgeous!' I said 'That's probably why they've received flowers then.'
Knock, knock! Knock, knock! Knock, knock! Knock, knock! Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Stop messing about, Whitney, I'm desperate for a ****!
In memory of the late great Frank Carson, 'My brother has a very unusual job; he finds things before other people realize they've lost them'
Quasimodo is lying covered in blood at the bottom of the Notre Dame, he looks up to see Esmerelda looking down at him, he shouts to her " This is not what I meant when I said toss me off"
I asked the missus to toss me off last night, she got her keyring out and started rubbing up and down my shaft, typical I thought, fobbing me off again
