Harry's Game.

...better known as our Friday Thread, a collection of beaut's from our Arry! Feel free to add more, or any funnies from someone else, doesn't have to be Harry...who cares!...its Friday!

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On West Ham striker John Hartson:
"John Hartson's got more previous than Jack the Ripper."

On West Ham's Ivory Coast striker Samassi Abou:
"He don't speak the English too good."

And there's more...
"The lad [Abou] went home to the Ivory Coast and got a bit of food poisoning. He must have eaten a dodgy missionary or something."

On tactics:
"I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband's as ugly as me, you'd only want to talk football in bed."

On a training ground bust-up between West Ham players Alvin Martin and Matthew Rush:
"I've seen better fights at a wedding."

On West Ham's UEFA Cup chances:
"Where are we in relation to Europe? Not too far from Dover."

On his time as a West Ham winger in the '60s:
"Even when we had Moore, Hurst and Peters, West Ham's average finish was about 17th. Which just shows how crap the other eight of us were."

On signing pretty boy 'Portugeezer' winger Dani:
"My missus fancies him. Even I don't know whether to play him or f**k him."

On under-performing foreign signings:
"With the foreigners it's more difficult. Most of them don't even bother with the golf, they don't want to go racing. They don't even drink."

On the danger of signing players from videos:
"I tape over most of them with Corrie or Neighbours. Most of them are crap. They can f***ing make anyone look good. I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn't show that on the video."

On missing out on the signing of a global superstar he had on trial at Upton Park:
"Andrei Shevchenko didn't pull up any trees."

On Southampton striker Kenwyne Jones:
“He took a knock on his ankle but we played him some Bob Marley reggae music and he was fine.”

On wayward Tottenham striker Darren Bent:
“You will never get a better chance to win a match than that. My missus could have scored that one.”

On even more wayward Portsmouth striker Benjani:
“After shooting practise yesterday, I had to drive up the M27 and collect four balls.”

On Iain Dowie:
"By the look of him he must have headed a lot of balls"

On referee Steve Tanner (in 2008):
“I never walk in after games and complain about a referee but this guy is scary.”

On Arsenal being reduced to 10 men against Southampton:
“Van Persie obviously thought ‘why take the piss out of poor old Southampton? I’ll get sent off and make a game of it’.”

On England's World Cup 2010 campaign:
“The future for England looks a bit scary to me. No one should kid themselves England are overloaded with fantastic talent coming through. They’re not.” ....All he has ever said, is if he were offered the job "It would be difficult to turn it down"....which aswell as accepting it, it could also mean it's not impossible to turn it down either, just difficult! He's never expanded that statement so it could be read 2 ways until he does.

On wheeler dealing:
“The sad part is that the ones who do well want to go, but you cannot move the ones who are useless.”

On being a wheeler and dealer:
"No, I'm not a wheeler and dealer. F**k off. I'm not a wheeler and f*****g dealer. Don't even say that. I'm a f*****g football manager."

Another favourite of mine is that vid on You Tube, when he got twatted on the back of the head with a ball whilst being interviewed on the training ground.
He turned round and shouted " What do you mean you were aiming for the goal" he turns back to the interviewer and says " No wonder he's in the fackin reserves."

 

Bloody racist!!!

 

They had 2 points from 8 games when I arrived

 

Make it hard smart you used 'em all up.

 

Ok, don't add to them then , just read and ave a laugh!

 

I will nick all the Pleatisms:

Pleaty’s approach to player underperformance was callous:


"If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I'm sure that they would be interested in these two Russians."



But he certainly understood what made a player tick:


"There's Thierry Henry, exploding like the French train that he is."

And player bonding was never a problem in Pleat’s teams:


"Our central defenders, Doherty and Anthony Gardner, were fantastic and I told them that when they go to bed tonight they should think of each other."



Pleaty was always a huge fan of genital dexterity:



"For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls."

All kinds of dexterity really:


"Stoichkov is pointing at the bench with his eyes."



A man famed for his compassion, he sensitively noted that the Champions League clash for which Gerard Houllier made his comeback after illness was…


"… not a game for the faint-hearted."

Pleat’s managerial philosophy was simple:


"A game is not won until it is lost."



But Pleat the co-commentator had a few refinements to make to that philosophy:



"Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some. Or occasionally lose....."


And Pleat in neither guise took anything for granted.


"Had we not got that second goal, I think the score might have been different. I’m not sure."



Mind you, few commentators describe a goal quite like Pleaty:



"He hits it into the corner of the net as straight as a nut."


Speaking of nuts, when latterly reincarnated as a Director of Football, Pleat knew the qualities he wanted in a manager and one out of three wasn’t enough for Glenn Hoddle:



"The man we want has to fit a certain profile. Is he a top coach? Would the players respect him? Is he a nutcase?"

 

"I've never thought about the England job"

 

Well done Sherlock, was the clue in the photol perhaps?

 

Thats another good one as it goes!

 

Funny Commentators Quotes

'He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.' - David Coleman

'The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties.' - Martin Tyler

'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' David Coleman

'Peru score their third, and It's 3-1 to Scotland.' David Coleman

'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' - David Coleman

'Ian Rush is deadly 10 times out of 10, but that wasn't one of them.' - Peter Jones

'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon 1, Manchester United 1.' - Mike Ingham

'Emile Zola has scored again for Chelsea.' - Radio 5 live

'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can get an equaliser.' - Alan Green

'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.'
- Mike Ingham

'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2 players on.' - John Helm

'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.'
- Radio 5 live

'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.' - Mike Ingham

'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil.' - Barry Davies

'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's his trademark.' - John Helm

'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.' - Alan Green

'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - Derek Rae

'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- John Greig

'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - Ian Darke

'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.'
- John Helm

'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction.' - Archie MacPherson

'McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee.' - Martin Tyler

'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.'
- Alan Green

'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- Barry Davies

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' - David Acfield

'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras.' - Peter Jones

'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - David Coleman

 

David Pleat has had at least as many foot in mouth moments as 'Arry.

This one might sting a bit, but it's a classic example:

[video=youtube;smSde-dqBXg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smSde-dqBXg[/video]

 

Terry Venables quotes



'Everybody says Steve McManaman played on the left for me in Euro 96 but he never played on the left. The one time he did play on the left was against Switzerland.'

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?”

Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty."

"You either win or you lose. There's no in between."

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen"

'The mere fact that he's injured stops him getting injured again, if you know what I mean'

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."



"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."

"He's got a great future ahead. He's missed so much of it."

"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in"

“I had mixed feelings - like watching my mother in law drive over a cliff in your car.”

'It's understandable and I understand that.'

"It was never part of our plans not to play well, it just happened that way"

"Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored"

"It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target"

"They didn't change positions. They just moved the players around"

'I’ve been asked that question for the last six months. It is not fair to expect me to make such a fast decision on something that has been put upon me like that.'

"There are two ways of getting the ball. One is from your own team-mates, and that's the only way"

'If you can't outplay the opposition, you must outnumber them.'

 

It's easy this!

 

No need, there's enough material here from ex spurs (and soon to be ex spurs) managers to keep us going all day

 

Sorry did you say Keegan?

Kevin Keegan quotes

'England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.'

'You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football'

'The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.'

'I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.'

'The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23'

'I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again'

'England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none'

'Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It's as big as him, which isn't very big, but it's bigger'

'Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa'

'I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.'

'The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game'

'There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.'

'Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.'

'He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.'

'They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.'

'We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half'






'It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.'

'The ref was vertically 15 yards away.'

'Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.'

'They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different'

'Despite his white boots, he has real pace...'

'You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw...'

'He can't speak Turkey, but you can tell he's delighted.'

'...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.'

'I'm not disappointed - just disappointed.'

'The tide is very much in our court now.'

'Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose.'

'I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different.'

'The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.'

'That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.'

'In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.'

'It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.'

'It could be far worse for me if it was easy for me.'

'Football's always easier when you've got the ball'

'The tide is very much in our court now.'

'I've had an interest in racing all my life, or longer really.'

'We managed to wrong a few rights.'

'We are three games without defeat is another way of looking at it. But if we are honest we have taken two points from nine'

'You get bunches of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison.'

'Not many teams will come to Arsenal and get anything, home or away'

[ Bo

 

OK I'll stop now, but I like this Motty one it reminds me of the similar one from the snooker commentator. For those of you watching in black and white the Pink is next to the Blue.

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip"




For the younger posters, teles were not always in colour.

 

Has everyone else died?

 

I started a thread, not so long ago, with all those Keegan quotes in it

 

Bill Shankley like Bill Nich made many famous comments unlike the bollocks from most.

Shankley: Explaining on what the off-side rule should be - 'If a player is not interfering with play or seeking to gain an advantage, then he should be.'

We all know the Bill Nich ones (or should do) These two had a way of explaining football in clear terms that you never hear today. They made their own clichés. Look them up if you haven't heard them.

Shankley to Ian St.John. If you are not sure what to do with the ball just pop it in the net, we'll discuss the options later.

 

I've got to say, though, that I find most of those Shankley quotes to be complete bollocks. Sure, there are a couple of good ones, but mostly they are bollocks.