Gandalf's Alternative Commentary Thread QPR vs Spurs

The BBC are using loosely sex-based and completely obscure metaphors to explain the break-down of the Redknapp-Tottenham situation... Pfft Amateurs...

It's like this... Harry's out shopping with Spurs, with whom he shares a committed relationship since she dumped some duffer. He spots England, a stunning proposition sauntering down the aisle while Spurs is bending down to pick up some of that lovely overpriced wine she knows Harry likes... Upon rearing and seeing dirty ol' Harry licking his lips and thrusting his pelvis like a ravenous Fonz, she dumps him. Meanwhile, ol' Harry looks up after England only to see Hodgson meeting her with some poppadoms, and sharing a peck on the cheek, they boogie on down to the biscuit section.

Now he's going out with what was left at the end of a Tuesday night discotheque, QPR *shudder*... Shopping with this monstrosity for that expensive wine he likes (he says he needs it in large amounts to make QPR look more attractive), he bumps into Spurs, who is clearly dating some raggermuffin lawyer. Unfortunately they are in the "everything they do is sexy" phase, and it makes Harry a bit sick, so he kisses QPR with tongues and tries his best to ignore the taste of dog food...

Anyway, hope it's a good game...

Side interest: What fine talent should we be thankful for QPR and Spurs bringing to the league?

QPR:...? Mbia? Diakite?
Spurs: Vertonghen? Bale?

 

1st minute: And we're off... Spurs wearing the dullest top I've ever seen since my high school days... At least then the goalie had a flamboyant 80's number to jazz things up!

 

Harry's forlorn, he's relying on the old battle axe Derry, needs someone to get Duuuurrrtty!

 

3rd minute: Oh dear, is Julio Caesar already playing for time? He's not happy with the shape of the ball... lee Probert waddles over and confirms, yes, this indeed the shape of spheres here in England... He doesn't look happy, Julio... I wonder what hexagonal nightmares he's used to...

 

5th minute: Adebayor (isn't the African cup of nations on or are Togo still farcically excluded for the temerity of being shot at?) has a decent effort off the post, Julio makes a sensational stop on the follow-up... Couldn't have done that with a triangular prism, so he's not moaning about the ball anymore...

 

10th minute: Shaun Wright-Phillips has a chance, but he jitters (think 50 Shades of Grey and "bath-time" ladies) too long on the ball and pokes his effort wide with the help of a deflection...

Some decent corners afterwards, Spurs clear.

 

15th minute: Dawson comes in and clatters Tarabat (animal cruelty if ever I've heard it)... Obviously Probert doesn't give a card... he's come through the back and got nowhere near the ball. And Tarabat hasn't rolled around enough times to convince him. Poor technique really, the trick is in adding momentum with your hips and twisting, anguished look optional.

 

19th minute: Ok, he might not physically be capable of looking much more like an evolutionary regression if he was galloping across the turf on all fours or throwing his faeces at dinosaurs, but he has some sensational moments as a football player... This isn't one of them. That's Bale's second woeful long-range effort. At least it's on target, but Julio has adjusted to the terrible archaic spheres we use here to catch it easily.

 

22nd minute: Adebayor currently acting as the world's most expensive crutch right now, as helps Sandro from the field... Parker comes on. I do like Parker, diffident sort of a chap who puts himself where he might get hurt... Manly chest, handsome face, perfect hair... He does have a bit of a girly voice, but let's not nit-pick.

 

28th minute: A lucid spell of possession from Spurs, the highlight when manly and handsome Parker turned on his heel and left Ji Sung Park stuck in the pitch like he's in a Laurel and Hardy sketch, ends with Walker screwing a shot wide... If that's all he's screwing I suppose that makes him a model pro these days...

 

32nd minute: M'Bia, though sounding like one of Hanson's B-side tracks, is a decent player. He's like a homeless man's Yaya Toure.

 

33rd minute: Tar-a-bat being shown how it's done there... Dawson flops to the ground like a post-orgasm Panda, but Probert-bot won't compute such a soft decision today.

 

36th minute: The problem with this game is that it's boring AND it has no sexy Michu. Killer combination. What's worse is with Sky Sports you don't get the "Start Your Affair With Slags In Your Area" pop-ups you have interrupting boring coverage when you're watching a stream... That's always a safe alone time back-up when there isn't a sexy Michu to look at. I could just go for a pyramid scheme as well.

 

40th minute: LADDDDD!!! Mackie has been hurtling around the pitch like he's a greyhound fluffer, and he closes down the defender here as they go to pass... Clatter!!! Think "that" Bassong vs K.Jones tackle. BOOM.

 

43rd minute: I don't think QPR under Harry are going to die, even if we destroy all the horcruxes... Scrappy game, Redknapp must be happy, and possibly a bit turned-on watching Villas Boas squirm.

 

You called it pretty well there... Very workmanlike and niggly performance so far. Effective though!

 

48th minute: Probert-bot calls half-time. Thankfully the man with the whistle is the only one observing who doesn't have match-induced narcolepsy because these two teams could quite happily have played a borathon out til the ends of time, based on the first-half. Zzzzzz

 

Second Half Kicks Off

Villas Boas has probably given his players a gruff talking to, so hopefully we see a better 45 minutes...

 

46 minutes: Bale swings in a free-kick from the right of centre 23.267 yards out (approximately). Caesar grapples with it and drops it but gathers... Obviously using the old rectangular-ball-catching technique. One can only wonder what he thinks the semi-circle on the edge of the box is for...

 

50th minute: Real WTF moment there... Park and Mbia leave the ball to each other, so Lennon relieves them of possession and storms through to the edge of the area, and once there he falls over. The rubbish Da Silva was sufficiently close enough to him to warrant a foul in Probert-bot's eyes, but he chickens out and gives a free-kick. Walker almost curls it in at the far post with Caesar watching. Never going in, sqaure target round ball, as Julio would say.

Spurs ramping it up now.