It's Friday and we often do a joke thread. I have to say they've been a bit thin on the ground just recently. My main source lives in Frodsham, where there are a lot of exiled Scousers and that's where he gets them from. Anyway: I was driving past a field the other day and saw a scarecrow trying to have a w..k. I thought to myself 'that poor bastard's just cluthcing at straws!' I found that I had a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Now she's made a formal complaint and I'm banned from the gym.
Thanks Chris. A bit slow, this one, for a Friday. Jokes must be thin on the ground generally at the mo.
Paddy and Mick go on a rollercoaster at the fair. Paddy says to Mick "If we go upside down, do you think we'll fall out?". Mick says "Will we f..k. We'll always be mates!". No offence to the Irish community. In the words of Partridge "Dares more to Oirland dan dis".
Have you heard about the new Kurt Cobain beer? It's bitter with no head. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise. What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a Manc in a skip and he doesn't touch the sides. What's the definition of a gentleman? A man who can play the accordion but doesn't. How do you know when the drummer's riser is level? He drools out of both sides of his mouth. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only have to punch the info into a machine once. How do you know when there's a drummer at your door? The knocking speeds up. How do you know when there's a singer at your door? He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. How do you know when there's a keyboard player at your door? He knocks and rings the bell. How do you know when there's a bassist at your door? Who cares?
A very musical offering General, bar the manc and the skip, but that's related to music as well! You,ve obviously been in a band.
Whats the difference between a Man United fan and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline. There is a plane full of tourists flying from Spain when the plane gets into trouble and the pilot announces that the plane is going to crash. A woman jumps up and takes off all her clothes and says ''Seeing as I'm going to die,I want to know if there is a man on this plane that will make me feel like a woman''. A man jumps up and takes off his shirt and says ''Iron this''.
Like that one Pepe. Mine did all my ironing yesterday. She didn't half get a bolloking when I saw she hadn't hoovered the houise as well!
I know a fella that said he wa happily married to his wife and he said the key is that when she isn't talking to him,he pretends to be upset..and she continues to give him the silent treatment.
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Whats the difference between a Lada and a Jehovahs witness? You can shut the door on a Jehovahs witness. What do you call a Lada with a sun-roof? A dust-bin. What do yo call a Lada at the top of a hill? A mirage. What happens when you apply rust remover to a lada? The Lada disapears. How do you double the value of a lada? Fill the petrol tank. Did you hear about the blonde that sold her car to buy petrol?
