Helpful advice: For those who hate poo-ing at work/office, the following Survival Guide is essential. CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled and avoid moving one leg about oddly. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has fully left your pants. FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. Under no circumstances say something like "more tea vicar". JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machinegun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom so you don't have to exchange embarrassing glances. COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk out the room. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This scenario can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always check and look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOERS, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex or, for larger companies, try the ROYAL BOX. ROYAL BOX -- Disabled toilet room thingy that we shouldn't use but do to provide a more peaceful experience, often avoiding the need to use most of the techniques in this guide. TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can finish in peace. WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO- COUGH or try NESTING. NESTING -- The act of padding out the toilet bowl with toilet paper before pooing, to minimise the chances of a WATERMELON or worse, a SPLASHBACK. SPLASHBACK - Similar to a WATERMELON, but affects the pooer directly. A splash of water created by a large poo appears to follow the path it took on the way down and comes right back up for an often unpleasant (but oddly refreshing) experience. Try NESTING. HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try combining NESTING, CAMO-COUGH or an ASTAIRE to mask the embarrassment. Better still, if you feel a HAVANAOMELET coming on, seek out a trusty SAFE HAVEN to conduct your business. UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
