Sir Alex Furgeson was today the centre of more controversy when he banned his wife from speaking to other members of her local Womens Institute,after her Strawbery Conserve failed to win best in class at the local fair. The puce-faced serect alchoholic Govan whinger is undertood to have been thrown in a whiskey-fumed rage when his wife contacted him and said she's come second to a Lemond Curd. Despite his wifes admisson that her conserve was '****', Furgeson refused to accept the decision. He risked his licence by driving the three miles to the fair at 11 in the morning (it was reported that, as normal, he'd already downed 2 bottles of Lagavulin by 1030). Once at the fair, he was seen berrating the elderly female judge, questioning her tasting ability and suggesting that she had a history of favouring curds. The woman, who didn't want to be named, complained that Furgeson had slurred: 'Ya ****in' bassa, ay'll smash yer ****in' teeth oota yer heed ya cheatin' wee radgie auld twat!' , before forcibly bundling his ashen faced wife into the car and veering wildly out of the car park. Later, the gum-chewing geriatric twat told reporters: 'She'll no be speakin' ta ye!', as he dragged her into their house by the hair, knocking over a small mountain of emplty single malt bottles piled by the front door.
Brilliant article.You forgot to mention that he necked 3 bottles of toilet duck and was heard mumbling Feck arse,Liverpool on his way home.
